As I Promised...


Dari jauh pun buleh nampak dah stering aku!


Seriyes, sangat kontras giler kaler pembalut stering aku!


Anyway, this thing has some sentimental value for me because someone, who called me 'Sayang' and said 'I love you' when I felt sad due to her departure, gave to me almost two years ago at the airport together with a small little koala doll. Will keep it until it tear apart.

One New Shirt for the New Year 2008

I was at the office today when my upline approached me and suddenly told me that she's intending to buy me something as present. Naturally, she asked me about what I'd like to have.

I was a bit blur at that time. Especially when I got that kind of question. She suggested a few items to me, but I said, "I just bought all these stuffs. But can I have a brand new Raoul shirt?".

And she said,"Yes you can!". Yahoooooooooooooo!!

So we went to the OU Shopping Mall and searched for the Raoul shirt. Oh well, thank you so much Linda! Now dah berangan dah nak pakai baju Raoul for next year. Lalalalala...

The Red Leaves

You are at the top of the world
You view upwards, only looking forward
You are Red, you are great
You are the burning desire
You are the new breed of new era
You lead the way, you show me the way
You know nothing except going all the way
You are the breathe of the new life,
and you are the light and the promises of
New Life
Be different, because you are different
Be Red, because you are so great
Keep on growing, keep on reaching
Soon you will be the Tree
who shade the country.

Dec. 9th, 2007

Yesterday I graduated from AsiaWorks Training Leadership program. It began in July this year with Basic Course, followed by Advanced Course and I finally ended yesterday. There was a lot of cryings on my part because I feel so attached to my friends in Leadership Program. 3 months in LP really can do wonder to a stone cold heart.

My leadership program brought me far from what I usually do in my life. My LP pushed me to the horizon where I was afraid to go. My LP challenged me to face my harshest, darkest reality by going to Adelaide. There was a lot of bitter and sweet memories while I was with my LP110 group.

I will write about it once I have enough time to recap the memories with the group.

The poem above was penned down by the request of AsiaWorks Country Manager, Nina, to me because I asked her, how exactly I would know what path of my life should be. Again, this is another person who said that I should listen to my heart. When I read my poem to her, she kindly asked me to replace the word 'You' with 'I' and let me read it again.

I could only read half of the poem clearly. The rest was a bit murky because I could not hold my tears anymore.

She said to me once, "One day this country needs you. Your journey in LP has shown to us that you follow where your heart takes you and you take your fall with pride. You are the true spirit of Leadership Program. If one person tells you something, it could be a lie. But when many people in your LP are talking about the same thing about you, it cannot be a lie".

My LP Coordinator, May Phng, said, "Sometimes you wonder why you don't get support from people. The way I see it, you are so powerful, so strong that you face your challenges squarely. You don't need support from people. When you do it, you do it from the heart".

My senior in LP told me, "Be the person you are destined to be. Be the leader I (we) have been waiting for".

At that time, I feel very small. I feel very humble because of the way people look at me. Three months I allowed them to challenge my self beliefs about myself and this is the way my friends in LP look at me. Three months I let them criticized me openly, harshly and gently. Three months I let them pushed me to the direction I wanted to go. The way they hold me high and big to my beliefs, visions and goals in life. I feel loved, appreciated and acknowledged.

In the meantime, I want to record a message from my LP buddy, Saw Peng @i, in my blog so I will not forget it forever. She gave me the card on the way back to KL after we are officially announced as GLP (Graduate of LP).

"Hey Buddy,
I'm gonna miss you loads. You've been a great buddy, F@rid. Do you know how you could inspire the people around you if you choose to express your thoughts through your heart and not your head.
First round knowing you, you were a bit arrogant to admit defeat. But after some time, I came to realize you face challenges in a different light. You move on so quickly and because of this, there was no time for you mourn over your mishaps. Perhaps you do, but haven't seen the full version of You.
You are a Ninja Turtle!! Remember that :) show the softer side of you and it will bring you to wherever you want to be.
I want to acknowledge you for the care & love you have showered. I am really really gonna miss you. So when I am afraid, I will think of how courageous you are! Adelaide story's lived to tell man, :P!
Dear F@rid, Farewell & Good Luck. Live your contract, buddy!
Love,
Peng @i
"I am a trusting, courageous, loving woman"

Only me and LP 110 know what Ninja Turtle means! hehehehe.

Relaku menunggumu seribu tahun lama lagi
Tapi benarkah hidup aku kan selama ini?
Biar berputar utara selatan
Ku tak putus harapan, sedia setia.

Relaku mengejarmu seribu batu jauh lagi
Tapi benarkah kakiku kan tahan sepanjang jalan ini?
Biar membisu burung bersiulan
tenanglah gelombang lautan
Kumasih setia.

adakah engkau yakin...
ini Cinta?
adakah engkau pasti...
ini untuk selama-lamanya?

Relaku menunggumu seribu tahun lama lagi
Tapi benarkah hidup aku kan selama ini?
Biar berputar utara selatan
Ku tak putus harapan, sedia setia

Cool song. Nice song. I dig this song. Not because of the lyric, but merely because of its overall quality. Oh yeah, it's because it's a sappy song. Choyyy!!!

Anyway, lots of my close friends buzzed me and asked me about the Adelaide trip. And they asked me about how am I doing now. I'd say, I feel okay and I feel alrite. I don't live in guilt anymore. Moment passed and my life has a lot more to offer in future. But thank you anyway for asking. I am thankful to have such caring friends and thoughtful friends.

By the way, good news! I've got my car. It's not Toyota Camry because my loan application was rejected by 3 different banks and 1 credit house. Their reason is because I have no credit history. Okay, it's a valid reason (technically speaking!). However through a help of a friend, I managed to secure a loan and made a purchase of Proton Persona (hi-spec). The reason is simple - I can get the loan approved easily if my loan is anything below than RM100K and it's whole lot easier to secure a loan for a national car ie. Proton.

After driving the Persona for four days, I feel that the car is not that bad. My Persona comes with a GPS system which I don't really need it. So if anyone wants to buy it from me, I'll give it away at RM1,800 price (the real cost is RM2,000 in the specs list). It's metallic black. It's an automatic transmission (papa, I start to miss your blue ol' manual transmission Wira!). I enjoy the ride quite too much.

The built of the car is tough and it's spacious for a medium-sized car. I have not torn apart its plastic cover for the rear seats. Simply because nobody sits there yet.

Yes Ika, I don't feel much of excitement when I received the car on last Monday. But what made me happy on that day was because I drove my mom in my own car. Wohoooo, can't exactly describe how it feels like. But it does make me feel good. I opened the door for my mom and invited her to have a sit in my car and we drove to mamak near the Proton depot for minum-minum with my salesperson.

I promised to myself that this car is for papa. It's not really for me because I have a different idea of owning a car. I only purchased this car so that I can build my own credit history with approved loan. I am looking forward to drive CLK 240 next year. A car that I've been dreaming to have. Last time I changed my dream car to Camry because my friend in Adelaide prefers a 4-doors car, instead of two-doors like CLK. Nevermind about that since it was in the past.

For those who have intention to buy Persona, I suggest you better book now because Persona (hi-spec) takes about 7 months to be delivered to buyers. I am lucky because I pull some strings in Proton to get it delivered to me in a matter of 2 months only. Again, I'm blessed with many helpful friends.

Semalam papa tegur pasal stering aku. Dia tanya kenapa aku letak pembalut stering kereta tu. Nampak besar sangat. Dia kata, nampak macam tak kena. Or in my own words,"It looks dumb!". Tapi aku cakap memang aku nak letak kat situ sebab aku dapat benda ni as hadiah dari Adelaide. It's okay for me to have it there although it looks stupid or whatever. I treasure whatever gift I've received from her. Dah almost dua tahun aku simpan kot menatang tu. Nantilah one day aku amik gambar pembalut stering tu and letak kat blog aku.

Whatever it is, aku rasa puas hati lah dengan kereta Persona 1.6 tu. It may not be my dream car pun, but aku tak menyesal beli. Except part minyak....iskkk.

Shots from Southern of Australia...

Adelaide & A Photo Frame

Mummy tanya kat mana aku beli frame gambar yang aku letak atas meja study aku. Aku berkerut dahi sekejap. Frame gambar mana ni? Kemudian baru aku teringat pasal tu. Frame gambar yang ada gambar aku dan dia di KL Sentral masa kali pertama aku berjumpa dengan dia. Frame gambar yang selalu aku tenung waktu aku buat kerja kat bilik. Aku cuma cakap kat mak aku yang aku beli frame gambar tu masa aku di Amerika dulu.

Dulu, gambar mak aku yang ada dalam frame gambar tu. Aku letak frame gambar tu atas meja study sebelah laptop aku.

Tapi sekarang frame gambar tu dah tak ada. Aku bagi pada dia sebelum aku tinggalkan Adelaide hari Ahad lepas.

++++++

I felt seriously freaking out. Long have I thought about this and I never had the courage or the guts to actually do it. The more I thought about it, the more pressure I felt because this feeling was eating me alive. All of sudden, I came to realization that why was I being chicken to my own feeling? Especially to someone whom I care so much in my life, regardless whatever she may feel for me.

I shared my nervousness with my LP coordinator, May Phng. I respect her and admire her for who she is and for what she is doing to us, the LP110 group. A successful businesswoman, a successful mother and a successful woman. So I went to see her at her huge bungalow in Damansara Height on Tuesday night last week.

“May, I feel nervous now. I feel anxious. Mixed feeling. I don’t know what to expect from her”. My palms were sweating. My heart beat drummed heavily.

“It’s alright. You have every right to feel so”.

“But what if she says NO?”.

“Yes is good, and - no is as good as yes. Nonetheless, your life will be an adventure! Go follow your heart”.

So I decided to fly to Adelaide, Australia. The reason to be there was simple; I want to share with her about how I feel for her. I don’t expect anything nor demand anything from her. Just her time so that I could share with her about my real and honest feeling about her. I wanted to see her face and her eyes when I revealed my actual feeling for her. I just didn’t want to use Yahoo! Messenger or telephone anymore to communicate my feeling. There is no heartbeat to it.

I know that she did state to me a year ago after she wrote a message to me that the intimate relationship should be ended and let's continue it as friendship. She couldn't see it beyond than that. What I was trying to do was to enroll her into looking for other kind of possibilities in this so called relationship. Could it be an intimate relationship? A blessed one? I don't know and I certainly believe that the positive possibilities are endless in determining the stewardship of this relationship. However, she insisted that the intimacy should end for stating no obvious reason. I felt it was a fixed belief, to say that nothing can be worked out here, rather than a fact for life.

Anyhow, yes, I lied to my parents. That was a bad idea and I told them that I flew to Adelaide for a vacation. A short one. I said, I went there with friends. The real thing was, I went there by myself. I only carried some clothes, the picture frame of us together, two gifts I bought for her and AUS $1,000. I shook my mother’s hand and kissed her hands before I left the home. There was a stint feeling of sadness to leave her at home. I know she looked at me till I walked out from the house. Somehow, I know she knew what was going on in my heart. And before my dad dropped me at KL Sentral, once again I shook his hands and kissed the hands. Never have I done to my dad since I arrived from America last two years ago. How much I want to tell him that I actually go to Australia to meet the girl that I love with heart and soul.

Oh boy, I was sweating my palms heavily when I boarded that plane. I couldn’t sit well. 7 hours of flight was like hell to me because I felt restless. I felt anxious. I had never been feeling like this. I was freaking out. I was going out from my comfort zone. There were so many thoughts roaming my mind. I have never done this for anyone in my entire life. I was going to risk whatever chances that I might have to continue be her friend in future. I was going to risk the chances to lose her in my life because I went there without informing her about my intention. I was flirting with a fragile sense of friendship with her. Long that I knew that she would definitely refuse to allow me to come to Adelaide. Yet I’ve got to take this chance, or else I would be questioning myself years later, “What could be different if I follow my heart and fly to Australia to see her?”.

I arrived at the Adelaide International Airport on Thursday morning around 7 am. Thanks to Ian, an Australian guy who sat next to me, I managed to answer the immigration document patiently and carefully. Ian, his wife and his son just came back from 5 week vacations. He asked me of why do I come to Australia. I said, I just wanted to see this girl and he gave this pleasant smile as a reply.

While I was at the airport, I was stopped by the Custom and Immigration officers because they were curious to know why I was planning to be in Adelaide only for 4 days. At first I explained to them that I was going to see my friend. They didn’t buy it. They asked me to elaborate more. So I told them that I was going to see this girl unannounced and I wanted to tell her how much I felt for her bla bla bla. The lady officer was smiling and say, “I wish you good luck”. Oh yeah, luck is all I need for this trip!

I checked in to a hotel on Henley Beach Road. Never that I knew that the hotel is actually only 10 minutes walking distance from her house on South Road! The hotel is a nice place to stay except that we have to share bathroom and toilets. Nevermind about that.

Later that day I managed to get my hand on pre-paid mobile phone card. I sent her a few messages. I was nervous to see her reaction. I invited her for a coffee at a convenient store very close by to her house.

And the verdict came in. I held my breath closely to my chess and I opened the reply. She flatly refused to meet me. She wrote, “Sorry I couldn’t see you because I don’t want to see you”. She said I was freaking her out and I was invading her privacy by coming to Adelaide. In fact, she also said that I was infringing her privacy by hopping to other's Friendster page from her page. That blew my mind off. Seriously! It was very heartbreaking moment for me. I didn’t know what to do. I took a step back. I was a bit lost. I was speechless in my room.

But I recalled an advice from my friend in LP. He said that if I were in situation where I got rejected for my intention, then I needed to change my intention immediately. I didn’t need to waste my time for dwelling in sadness. So I took one or two hours to redeem myself and made a new decision at that time. My life didn’t stop here. My mind was clear to recall what May had said to me one night before I left for Australia, “Yes is good, and NO is as GOOD as yes”.

So, following that moment I pursued my adventure in the streets of Adelaide city and visited wildlife park and beach in Glenelg. I am glad that I have a chance to see what is important to her in Adelaide. I visited her faculty building in the university. I spent a good few hours at the beach, taking a view of sunset of Adelaide. I wish one day I could watch sunset together with her. If there is anything that I feel I should regret it, is about not going to Port Adelaide. I read good reviews about that place. Without I realized about it, I just walked all over the city.

On the last night I was in Adelaide, I bumped with three Malaysian students. It’s nice to finally have people from the same root as mine and shared the same background. I enjoyed listening to their stories of their adventure studying in Adelaide and how could I relate with my experience studying in America. They were surprised when I said I wanted to buy them dinner. The boys claimed that it’s expensive here in Adelaide. I said, why not? “I was a student like yourself before and I know, being a student abroad means you always broke. Now that I have the means, so enjoy your dinner!”. Good dinner at Arab’s restaurant and good company too. What more could I ask for? Right?

On the last day I was in Adelaide, I woke up early that day and I brave myself to walk to her house on South Road. As I stood in front of her house, I could feel that both of my legs were shaken hard. It wasn't due to the cold and breezy weather, but it was due to my nervousness. I carried a plastic bag which has a letter I wrote for her, two gifts and a photo frame that has picture of us. Then I put the plastic bag in front of her house and walked away from it. I didn’t know why I feel relieved about it. I was almost dancing while I was walking towards my hotel. I have faced my reality. I have faced my biggest personal risk in my entire life.

I checked out from the hotel around 11 am. A taxi was supposed to drive me to the airport but I asked the taxi driver to stop by at 1/194 South Road. I wanted to see the house for the last time and I wanted to see if anyone picked up that plastic bag I left for her. Since I guess nobody was at home, I took the plastic bag with me to the airport. The taxi driver asked me, “Is there anything else you want to do?”. He actually asked me twice while we were right in front of her house. I smiled at him and said, “Nope, this is all”.

We had a good conversation while we were on the way to the airport.

He said,”It’s good for you to know it now, rather than knowing it a few years later. You’re still young. So much things await for you”.

“You’re right. It’s just that I feel that I have found the right one. The one that I am willing to do anything for her. Well, I must say that I was wrong about this.”

He then talked about how he met his wife and later got divorced. Few years later he met another lady and now they are intimately involved albeit both of them are living in separate continents. They meet a few times a year abroad.

“Don’t let anyone to decide for you. You must decide for yourself. One day you will meet someone. You just know it, you just feel it. Nobody can say they have the same experience as yours. You decide what’s the best for yourself. If you let others to decide for you, when problems crop up, you tend to blame the ones who decide for you”.

Oh, how much is true for what he had said to me.

So I thanked the taxi driver and left him in front of the airport. I checked in and ready to go home with a clear conscience about what I was doing in Adelaide. I have lived my life to the fullest, I took great risks in my life and I follow my heart. What good can it do to me? I went 100% with my intention and I want to stay that way in my life for people who I love, for friends who I care and for the place I stay.

I knew that my friendship with her is over when she sent me the last message over the cellphone. She said farewell for the friendship and she said that she had to be cruel in order to be kind. Well, I have no ill feeling for her at all. I wasn’t angry at her. I just replied Thank You and smile.

I managed to pass the plastic bag to a malaysian student who happened to be at the airport that day. I sincerely hope that the bag would get to her safely.

I expressed myself clearly in a letter I wrote to her. Some words might sound harsh, some words were kind. It's up to her how she wanted to the words in perspective. I just expressed to her of my experience being in a short relationship with her and friendship with her. I also wrote in a letter to her that I wish her to be a great woman for a great man one day. I wish her to be a great wife for a great husband one day. I wish her to be a great mother to great children one day in her life. I wish her all the best in life. And if I have the chance to see her walking down the street one day in future, I would definitely greet her enthusiastically and enjoy that moment with her again. I understand that to be happy means I need to learn to let go and I let her go away from my life. That is why I return the photo of us to her. That was the first time we took photos together on January 20th, 2006.

I will always remember January 20th, 2006 at Midvalley.

NB: I did cry while the plane left the Adelaide International Airport. I am just a human being, doesn't matter how optimistic I am about the whole thing, I must allow myself to grief before I continue my life and making choosing new options in life.

+++++++++++++++++

Aku ajak mak ayah aku pergi bercuti ke Genting Highland hujung minggu ni. Aku rasa, dah sampai masanya aku cerita segala-galanya pasal private life aku pada mak ayah aku. Aku nak mak ayah aku tahu kenapa aku pergi ke Adelaide dan juga kenapa bingkai gambar tu dah tak ada lagi di atas meja aku.

Aku harap mak ayah aku akan rasa bangga dengan anak dia bila aku cerita semua kisah aku tanpa ada rasa malu, segan atau takut pada apa yang diorang akan cakap.

Nedwick once told us during the Senior Design course, "If it doesn't kill you, it will only make you stronger".

Now I'm repeating his words, except I changed a bit to the phrases.

"If it doesn't kill me, it will only make me stronger. And it makes me feel stronger!".

By the way, need to go now. Got lotsa spots to see and things to do in Adelaide! :D

I want to live my life to the fullest. I want to experience every bit of my life, doesn't matter how big the risk involved on my participation in life. Regardless of whatever people may say about me, I will still march forward to the goals I created in my life.

Therefore I am willing to risk any chances that I have in order just to tell people who I love about how much I love for them. How much I am willing to go the distance for them and how much I am willing to sacrifice for their benefit. May Phng says, we get the most when we give the most.Happiness comes most to those who give it away. She also said that big players in life play their life with passion and commitment. Big players live their contract forever and enroll people into whatever they believe in.

I want to be a big player in my life. In fact, I am a big player in my life.

I a clear about the destination I shall have. I am clear about what I'm gonna do about it and I am damn clear about the consequences. Whatever it is, I want to live out my contract as it is!

I know what is my contract and I just added one more character to it. So it's now, I am loving, caring, confident and exciting man! Woohooooooo!!

Saturday was a WOW Day LP110

I woke up early in the morning. In fact, it was very early to my standard; 6 a.m and my eyes were wide open. Dashed to get shower and prepared myself to go out today, I sped the car at 120 km/hr on MRR2 because afraid to get there later than 7 am (sure 'kena' kaw-kaw punya dengan May Phng if I got there late). Along the way, I saw a Malaysian flag flew high near the Seri Gombak area. Somehow, there was a dim voice deep in my heart said, "Today I want to make Malaysia a better place for everyone".

It didn't occur to me at that moment because I was so occupied with the stuffs I needed to do for LP 110 WOW Day. I was appointed as the Manager for the day and of course, my mind was clouded with 1001 things.

Things didn't go well this morning. LP110 people were not in place at the specific time. We broke our promise to be there at 7 am. So, we all kena laa from our LP coordinator, May Phng. Pagi-pagi dah kena sembur!

So today we invited 50 people with disabilities (PWD) frm Beautiful Gates Foundation and Tasputra PERKIM. It wasn't easy to ferry all 50 of them to Kepong especially when the place is actually split into two different locations. Some of the PWDs are amputees, some due to spastics and some are having Learning Disabilities. Quite a few of them have combination of two types of disabilities.

I had a headache and stress out dealing with transportation. Peng Ai was the assistant assigned for me and she get yelled at because I was stressed out. She was only reporting to me about the situation with transportation from Beautiful Gates but I raised my voice and said, "You handle it!". Mannnnn...I felt bad for my buddy afterwards.

The highlight of the event was the kite flying event. The day was almost dark due to the cloudy sky and it started to get windy. Kaduk & Joanna asked me whether should we proceed with the game or not because they were very cautious about the possibility of getting struck by the lightning. I was 'pening kepala' a bit, not because of I needed to make a decision on that issue, but because I was asked by someone else whether I should make an announcement to convey the message given by the founder of Beautiful Gates Foundation. She requested that everybody at the event to adopt one individual from Beautiful Gates Foundation as their life time partner. That was heavy thing to ask from people. After a short discussion, I decided to go on with the kite flying activity and said no go to the founder's request. I felt that if people truly honest and truly caring for OKU, they themselves would volunteer for this. After all, seeing our guests were so enjoying themselves playing kites although they are wheelchair bound, who wouldn't want to be their buddy for life anyway?

Then the rain came down and pounded hard on us. At the same time, people from BF and Tasputra left the place in their own transportation. Again, the same issue occured whereby we needed to enroll other LP graduates to drive some of the OKU guests to their respective home. It was done superbly by my buddy, Peng Ai, who managed to persuade GLP to assist us.

The WOW Day ended at around 3 pm. I felt relieved because I saw our guests smiled before they left the place. I sincerely hope I did make a difference in their life today, so as well with the rest of LP 110 members.

Looking back at the photos and video shots taken during the program really made me asking this question, "What else can I do to make Malaysia a better place to live?".



Note: Our LP 110 group managed to raise more than RM 15,000 for funding this activity through donations and fundraising activities. I myself managed to raise fund of RM 914. Many thanks to Fateen, Dato Syed Fakhri Barakbah, Ucu, Idah and Pak Long for their charity contributions. We also organized car wash for charity in order to raise the fund for this activity.

LP Buddies during Iftar AW

Kasih, kenanganku
Ingatkah saat saat dulu
Kasih, apakah dirimu
Merasakan semua itu

Ke mana pun langkahku pergi
Ku masih melihat bayanganmu cintaku
Dan kemana pun arah anginku berlari
Hati ini masih kau miliki

Lelaki ini yang selalu mencintamu
Selalu, tanpa ragu
Lelaki ini yang selalu memuja
Hanya dirimu
Yang bertakhta dalam sanubariku
Sanubari ku
Aku yang mencintakan mu
Hanya dirimu..

Karena cintaku, tak berbatas waktu
Karena cintaku, tak mengenal jenuh hatimu
Hatimu…
Annuar Zain - Lelaki Ini (masyuk dowhhh lagu nih!!)

Aku tukar DOE aku. Well, aku tahu sure senior LP aku tak suka, tapi gi mampos sama dia! Dia kata tulis DOE yang aku betul-betul nak. Maksudnya, yang betul-betul hati aku nak. Aku fikir-fikir...lama betul aku fikir. Should I stick with my old DOE (the look good one), or the one who I truly feel deep in my heart.

So kebetulan masa lepas mandi tu, aku terfikir pasal dia. Lama aku fikir. The more I thought, the more it became clear. So aku pun tarik kerusi and start tulis balik DOE aku. Aku tukar first goal aku and tambah sikit dalam second goal. I know I'm gonna get whacked by my senior LP, but hey...I'm following my heart.

I always trust my instinct and I know deep in my heart, whatever I changed in my DOE, does make my heart sing! :)

Aku tak nak bila aku dah umur 50 or 60 tahun nanti, aku akan tanya diri sendiri, "What would happen if I followed my heart 23 or 33 years ago?". And the last thing I could do is to find peace within me before I die.

Betul ke ni?

Your Seduction Style: Au Natural

You rank up there with your seduction skills, though you might not know it. That's because you're a natural at seduction. You don't realize your power! The root of your natural seduction power: your innocence and optimism. You're the type of person who happily plays around and creates a unique little world. Little do you know that your personal paradise is so appealing that it sucks people in. You find joy in everything - so is it any surprise that people find joy in you? You bring back the inner child in everyone you meet with your sincere and spontaneous ways. Your childlike (but not childish) behavior also inspires others to care for you. As a result, those who you befriend and date tend to be incredibly loyal to you.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

It has been a while for me not writing anything here.

Yeah, I can easily come up with many excuses and reasons for not doing that; busy myself to the death with LP, busy achieving my 3 important goals by December, busy reasoning myself why the fuck did I sign up for LP, busy busy busy..etc.

Is it really that damning? I mean, being busy and all that.

Hmmm..excuses.

Really...I enjoy making excuses. It makes me feels good and look good. Oh yes, by giving excuse it allows me to keep my 'good image' intact.

When I screw something up, I said..."sorry i did this because yaddi yaddi yadda....". If I'm late to a confirmed appointment or scheduled meeting, I would certainly think of the 'reason' to give to them 5 minutes before I walk into the room. Voila, my image still intact and I feel good about myself.

As if it's okay that I am being late, wasting other people's time and produce reason/excuse to okay that lateness. In other words, I don't give a shit about their time and I don't care about them too. No sense of respect. Although I am late by merely a few minutes or few seconds.

As if it's okay that I don't honor my words. I said, I want to spend time with you when I am free..or when I am on break. But my action is the opposite to what I promised. Is it okay for me to do that? Is it okay for you to do that as well? Of course, I can easily produce excuses or I call it 'reason' to make up for that mishap. How about making someone else feel shitty about it? Feel disheartened. Well, it's okay for as long I can come up with good excuse. He will be alrite...she will be alrite. They would understand my 'reason' or excuses. Don't worry too much about it, ya mate?!

Bottom line is, I don't honor my words with my action. Bottom line is, it makes me a liar. Bottom line is, I am arrogant enough to people that I made my promise too. Bottom line is, I don't care at all to the people that I say I care.

Oh boy...I wonder if there is anyone out there feels the same way too. How many times we are lying to ourselves just to make us feel good, not feeling that guilty, feel like "Heyy...I just do what I could do with this fragile body/emotion"?

What's the price I pay for doing these? What's the price you pay for doing those?

Hoorayyyy!! I Graduated!!

Yesterday evening was my graduation from Advanced Course in AsiaWork training series. And now I lost my voice due to the extreme situations occurred within the training room in AsiaWorks.

The past 5 days had been challenging to my self belief and my own emotional capabilities. I was cursed repeatedly for not being real, for playing masquerade in my life, for being arrogant bastard and coward in not showing my own emotion in life. The first two days I had this intention to quit the program because I thought this was too much for me to handle.

I am not allowed to speak of what was happening in the training room for I gave my commitment of not disclosing this to the public. I broke that commitment once by sharing it with my dearest friend. Yes, I felt guilty about it. No matter what reason I used to justify it, it is not enough because I broke my commitment.

During the graduation ceremony, we all were given an instruction to close our eyes. When I opened my eyes, I was surprised to see Sazzy Falak stood in front of me with a card in her hand. She was one of the individuals (together with Nash & Linda) who persuaded me to attend this course. I hugged her and broke down on her shoulder. I kept saying, "Sazzy, I dont know it was so hard...it was so hard!". Sobbing like a little kid.

Sazzy wrote this in my card,"F@rid Dearest, FLY! Fly like the seagull that you are!". And Nash wrote," My Guy! My Yoda! You're that powerful loving man! Keep Growing!". Love, Nash. He even wrote his contract in the card, "Free, Beautiful, Passionate, Loving Man". Yes you are Nash. Yes you are!

My dad was also there. I surprised myself by walking towards him and gave him a hug. I said to him, "Papa, Ayed sayang papa!". Of course..that was a real stretch to me. A real fucking strech! Seri witnessed that. I felt totally relieved after saying that to my dad. I wished my mom could be there. So my mom could see who I really am - to see me achieving my breakthrough.

Thank you Seri, Nash & Sazzy, Jash, Linda, Eddie & wife, Lawrence, Tam, Raymond and many more who I overlooked that day for coming to my graduation. Thank you very much for the love and support you all show and give to me.



To Jennifer, my small group leader in Basic Course, thank you for your support although you couldn't make it. Thank you for the stick as well. I felt very humble to accept the stick from you. You are my 'seagull'!

I also received a few sticks or a vote of life from few people. I'd like to highlight their names here in my blog as to express my appreciation to them.

To Linda, my upline. Thank you for supporting me despite of my ungrateful character shown to you. I totally agree with your note on the stick," F@rid Lives! There is a time to let things happen and a time to make things happen!".

To Niney & Carliff, thank you for coming to both of my Basic and Advanced Course. I don't know you much but you both have been supportive through my friendship with you.

To Lawrence, thank you for your vote. You are my inspiration to enjoy life to the fullest and age has nothing to do with a meaning of happiness, wisdom and passion.

It feels good to finally made a breakthrough in my own life. This program does not change me in a way I become some supermen or anything close to that. However, this program gives me an opportunity to be opened to possibilities in life by shifting the way I respond in my life. Nothing happens by accident really; it happens because I made the decision and chose the options. And I have come to realization that in real life, there is no second chance. I wait, I lose. New second means new experience, new people means new experience. I have accepted my past as the past and now it's the time to make something meaningful in my life by giving my very best to every second of my life.

I am committed to live every second of my life in accordance to my contract; I am a loving, caring and confident man!

I AM
71%
OPTIMUS PRIMETake the Transformers Quiz

Something to Write About

Last Saturday I was in Damansara Perdana for the routine training of my group. As usual I started my day of training with a bottle of mineral water from the 7-Eleven store near the office. On the way to that drugstore, I noticed from the beginning that there were a few people unloaded this one makcik from a car. The reason I used the word unloaded here is because the makcik is an amputee and she needed an assistance to get out from the car. And yeah, to make it more interesting, she's quite a plump size to be placed in a wheelchair.

I suspected that this lady could probably a diabetic patient and probably due to the seriousness of the illness which she has; her leg has to be amputated.

I saw two men and one lady were assisting her getting out from the car. They must be her relatives though. They brought this makcik into the building only realizing that the staircase was too narrow for her wheelchair to get through.

I watched them closely from the outside door. Geezz..it seemed to me that they were having some trouble to lift her from the floor and carried her up through the staircase and finally landed before the elevator. I worried if they used wrong technique to lift the wheelchair, they might break that wheelchair. Even worst, they could cause some danger to the person on that wheelchair.

So I decided to intervene.



No wonder they were having trouble to lift the lady. One of the two men didn't have the strength. So I offered them of my assistance. Oh boy, the lady is indeed heavy! I should have stretched my back before I offered them my aid. I told them not to touch the wheels. I even showed them the correct way to lift a wheelchair with a person on it.

I feel good when I could use some of the knowledge I learned during my participation with People With Disabilities (PWD) with people around me.

It's okay for me to have some back ache after that. It's okay for me to sweat a bit after helping them at the stairway.

This is my way of changing the world. One random act of kindness at a time. The smiles that they gave to me afterwards are priceless. And the feeling of contented did lift my spirit immediately.

So, what say you? Shall we all do one random act of kindness each day in our lives?

I think we should.

Each Day is An Adventurous Day

Today is my second lesson in golf. The first time was at the driving range next to OU Mall last week. The first lesson wasn't that bad. I must be grateful to have friend who knows how to swing a golf club. That was my first touch. The next day I got back ache and blister hands.

But today I learned from a pro himself. I asked my friend's dad who is a golf enthusiast to teach me how to properly swing a golf club. Okay, this time was really good. Uncle B taught me the correct posture of how to swing the ball. Seriously, I was sweating like pig today. Sakit belakang tu memang toksah cakap ler - a side effect from an accident 7 years ago.

I hit 200 balls today. The last 20 balls were the good swings. Each went straight and consistently fell within the range of 50 meter. Really, I felt good at the driving range. Not a bad start for someone who knows shit about golf.



Oh yeah, by the way, I had my first facial treatment last Saturday. That first moment is shared with my good friend. Malu siall aku jerit-jerit cam haram sebab geli bila orang tu start apply lotion kat muka ngan tengkuk aku. I felt exhausted after that facial...maybe because I was too tired of restraining myself from getting tickled at my neck.

Well, that is my story for the weekend.

Pancit.

Penat.

I had some business dealing in Banting yesterday. The business was successful although it was half done. Nevermind, let the one who responsibles on that matter to handle it. I did more than what I supposed to do.

I stopped two times while I was driving on KESAS highway. First, it was at Kinrara R&R. Then the next stop was just before the car climbed up the flyover near Jalan Cheras. I felt very lethargic. I decided to pull over and rested for about 5 minutes. I closed my eyes, hoping for the fatigue to go away.

I finally managed to get home. After I'm done with maghrib prayer, I quickly locked myself in my room and tried to get a rest. Oh boy, why am I so difficult to get good rest nowadays.

Yeah...I am pushing myself. I have a few personal goals which I want to achieve before the end of this year. Besides, working makes my mind active and not wandering on something unnecessary. Especially on someone or something.

Alrite, these are my remaining goals for this year.

1. I have savings of RM 100,000 in my Public Bank saving account by December 31, 2007.
2. I am sending my parents to Baitullah through comfortable package (~RM15,000 per person package) with my own money.
3. I am giving away RM10,000 of scholarship to students in need before the school opens next year (which is by Dec. 31st, 2007).
4. I have a group of 20 dynamic, hardworking and passionate members by December 31st, 2007.
5. My ticket to Hokkaido, Japan must be secured by December 1st 2007.

Goals achieved this year
1. I bought a brand new black Toyota Camry.
2. I broke my personal limit of RM 100,000 investment in last April. I closed RM 1,390,00 investment. Damn it makes me feel good about myself! :D
3. I achieved five figure income for the second time in May. My paycheck was at RM 39,637.
4. I am doing a charity work by giving a free tuition (2 times/week) for PMR students at orphanage house in Taman Melawati since January this year.



Goals for next year
1. I own a piece of property (single storey bungalow) by August 31st, 2008.
2. I gain consistent five figure income at minimum RM 15,000 per month beginning February 7th, 2008.
3. I have 50 outstanding, go-getter and cooperative members in my group by December 31st, 2008.
4. I am living a healthy and well balanced life. I create mutual friendship with all my clients.
5. I perform umrah & visit in March 2008.

I believe all my goals are achievable. Someone accomplished them in different time period. If they could do it, what can stop me from achieving my own goals? How could I be so sure about this?

No, I'm not that 100% sure about things around me. I'm not sure if Pak Lah is still a Prime Minister of M'sia by next year. I'm not sure if our Kuala Lumpur Index Composite can surpasses psychology barrier of 1390 points. Heck, I don't know if I'm still alive tomorrow.


But I know one thing for sure - myself. I know I will kick my own ass real hard in getting what I want in life and nobody can stop me for that matter. I give no excuse to myself, I make no complaint, I do not blame others for things happen to me. I have choices every day and I responsible on the choices I made for myself. Some bad decisions were made in the past and they will definitely be recorded in my life but I also believe I did make some good decisions too in my life. So, it's not that bad at all.

Life is still a pretty good adventure so far.

I met an interesting old chap at Putrajaya Lake Club House tonight. It wasn't an intentional meeting. I had a celebration dinner for SAS band members there. The oldboys of SAS Band, including myself, sponsored this party for the current members for their hatrick winning in All SBP Wind Orchestra competition months ago.

It started as to have this old chap as entertainer at the lake club house. He sang pretty good and I must admit that he has good voice for singing some tunes from 70s and 80s. Those light and easy songs really get me relaxed.

After the whole party ended, he approached our table. It was only me, Irma and Fakhri, still chilling and borak2 with each other over cup of coffee. Yeah, we introduced each other and getting acquainted.

He had quite an interesting story about himself. I first suspected that he is a Chinese because of his look and his fluent English. I was wrong then. He is a Singaporean Malay. He is in Malaysia, being singer at club house and hotel and earns a pretty good income. At that point, we were wondering how old is he now.

What makes him interesting to me when he shared with us about his past. About his awakening, his alcoholic period and his call. Being curious myself, I asked him many things about what he did in the past and how did he end up here in KL. He also shared with us about his view about spirituality and his practice in this area.

You see, being spiritual and being religious are two distinctively different character. I can be religious but now spiritual or I can be spiritual without being religious about it. So, in my view, he is a spiritual person. He connects with his awareness and his surrounding. He internalizes many positive values in life and thrives in hardship of life.

My last comment before I left him at the club house was about his colorful past. He said, "Be careful, colors are deceitful. Once you mix all the colors, all you get is white. Now for me, it's white and black". I grinned and nodded.

Hmmm..good and insightful advices came without expectation and these advices are important for young people like myself and my other two friends. We agreed that we learned something new tonight. About connection with God, about having faith in Him during the trial period and about surviving under His Mercy.

Pantun Lama

Kalau roboh Kota Melaka,
Papan di Jawa hamba dirikan;
Kalau sungguh bagai dikata,
Badan dan nyawa hamba serahkan.

Berapa ramai di antara kita merasakan pantun ni untuk dua orang bercinta? Aku pun ingat pantun ni sebenarnya untuk orang yang tengah tangkap cintan time dulu-dulu.

I was dead wrong.

Pantun ni sebenarnya datang dari semangat solidariti ukhuwwah Islam yang ada di rantau Nusantara. Aku dapat tahu ni ketika aku mendengar ceramah daripada Dr Hafizi Mohd Noor, seorang pensyarah dari UPM yang bergiat langsung dengan kajian sejarah perkembangan Islam di rantau Nusantara.

Maksud "Kalau roboh Kota Melaka" menceritakan tentang jatuhnya tamadun Islam di Melaka dan bagaimana ummah Islam menyerahkan panji-panji Islam itu kepada kerajaan Demak di pulau Jawa. Alfonso D'Albuqurque pada ketika itu telah membuat pakatan dengan kerajaan Siam dan juga kerajaan di Jawa dalam pakatan menawan Kota Melaka. Namun Wali Songo bersama pengikut-pengikutnya berjaya menyerang kerajaan yang berpusat di Jayakarta, pulau Jawa untuk tujuan melemahkan pakatan tersebut. Seterusnya mereka membuka semula kota tersebut dan dinamakan Jayakarta sempena mengambil semangat pembukaan semula kota Mekah (Peristiwa Fathu Makkah, ada diceritakan di dalam Al Quran). Demikianlah yang dimaksudkan dengan "Papan di Jawa hamba dirikan".

Andai tamadun Islam di Melaka itu tergugat dan musnah, nescaya ummah Islam di Jawa akan bangkit dan menggantikannya.

Selepas itu kerajaan Islam Demak melancarkan jihad besar-besaran ke atas Portugis untuk membebaskan saudara-saudara seagama di Melaka. Perang ini mengambil tempat di Muar, Johor. 6,000 syahid gugur di situ. Perang tersebut melemahkan kekuasaan Portugis di Selat Melaka. Pada masa yang sama, kerajaan Islam Acheh bangkit di bawah pimpinan Sultan Iskandar dan juga Sultan Iskandar At Thani. Mereka menyambung perjuangan kerajaan Islam Demak dengan melancarkan peperangan di laut yang diketuai oleh Panglima Tentera Laut, Panglima Kemala Hayati. Beliau ialah satu-satunya panglima muslimah yang pertama pada ketika itu. Kubu 'Inong Balee', ialah kota pertahanan yang didirikan oleh balu-balu para syahid untuk menentang penjajahan barat ke atas tamadun Islam di rantau Nusantara.

Memang tak dapat dinafikan ada perasaan terharu bila aku dengarkan kisah-kisah ini. Ternyata, kisah-kisah ini tidak akan dapat dipelajari di kelas-kelas mahu pun di dalam buku teks. Memang betul kata Dr Hafidzi, sejarah perlu diambil iktibar secara menyeluruh, dan bukan diagih-agihkan mengikut tempat dan lokasi.

Kalau kita tengok pada senario perpaduan umat Islam ketika ini, memang boleh dikatakan pada tahap hampeh dan sayur sekali. Saudara seagama di Palestin diinjak-injakkan tapi kita buat dak ajer. Kita lebih suka bermain kata dengan kerajaan Barat, akur pada perintah Israel dan juga dilembu-lembukan oleh Amerika Syarikat.

Kesian sungguh kita, nasib orang Islam sekarang ni.

Your Birthdate: August 31

You're a pretty traditional person. If it's lasted, it's probably good. You seek stability - both in your career and your romantic relationship. In return, you're very loyal and predictable. Which is usually a good thing. Without a partner, you feel lost. Being with someone is very important to you. Your strength: Your dependability Your weakness: You hate being alone Your power color: Midnight blue Your power symbol: Shell Your power month: April

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Al Fatihah untuk kesemua arwah di dalam helikopter Nuri. Moga jasa-jasa mereka pada negara diberkati dan dirahmati Tuhan.

Al Fatihah juga kepada Menteri Pertahanan, Panglima Tentera Udara DiRaja Malaysia dan juga pegawai pemerintah mereka. Semoga mereka bertanggungjawab atas kejadian tersebut dan lekas turun dari kerusi pemerintahan mereka.

Berapa ramai lagi askar kita patut mati di dalam Nuri?

p/s: Dah bertahun-tahun accident, lagi mahu tunggu 3 tahun untuk tamatkan Nuri?

Welcome to this World, Niece



I have officially become a Pak Lang when Angah and Kak Rafidah successfully conceived a daughter last Monday. Her name is Nur Farhana Batrisya binti Mohd Fazrul. Hmmm..the moment I heard the name, I immediately had a vision of my brother was cussing himself for giving such a long name to his daughter when he registers the daughter for the new IC or passport. Well, that is the price he has to pay for having a glamorous name on his daughter.

So, congratulations to Angah. And yeah, congratulations to my parents for becoming grandparents. Time does fly eh?



Anyway...there are so many things to share here. So many stories to be written here. However, I am just plain lazy to write them all. Enough if I said, I joined Basic Course in AsiaWorks and something changed me from the inside. The five days in that training course enough to shake me to the core. Yep, we did many stuffs while in the training. Many weird stuffs...and some of them are not even rational. Indeed, it requires irrational action in order to achieve some rationality in my life. I met so many different people from all walks of life. I enjoyed learning new stuffs about myself under the coaching from Bill Randal. Actually, new stuffs would not cut it. It is actually old stuffs which I've hid from myself pretty conveniently. Tell me about ignorance is a bliss! The statement "What Am I Pretending Not to Know?" does ring some truth in it. And there I was...trying to figure out what is wrong with my life and what could I do to make it better or at least, to make me honestly feel better. I came to join the training for all the wrong reasons. Oh man...it took me five days to crack my ego to find out what is it that I'm looking for in life. But well, my 'image' is still steadily standing there like a real macho hunk. Damn it!

I signed up for the next Advance Course though. I really want to tear down this so called 'image'. I feel excited about it but at the same time, I feel anxious and a bit scared. I'm scared because I am required to be brutally honest about myself. Ouch...I hope Bill wouldn't be the Coach this time. The first course I had with him as the Coach enough to make me feel intimidated due to his enlightening questions. Learned a lot from there.

Well...time has just ran out for me here. Better get going...see ya later!

Saya menyibukkan diri saya dengan kerja-kerja PR untuk clients saya. Saya juga sedang mengikuti program di Asiaworks, PJ selepas waktu bekerja dari hari rabu lepas hingga pada hari ini. Saya rasa banyak manfaatnya yang saya beroleh dari program sebegini.

Mudah-mudahan saya berubah dari kurang baik kepada yang lebih baik lagi. Seterusnya saya mahu jadi yang terbaik.!

I need a break. I need a vacation.

In my mind, I only have one destination - umrah. And then I'll go somewhere in this world.

Pagi tadi aku buat pertama kalinya pergi mesyuarat agung tahunan untuk satu syarikat korporat. Pertama kali tengok CEO Scomi Group, Shah Hakim Zain dan Pengerusinya, Tan Sri Asmat Kamaluddin, buat aku sedikit teruja. Ya ke teruja? Taklah sangat tapi lebih kepada perasaan kagum. Shah Hakim Zain ni kalau diikutkan umurnya memang muda, dalam tak lebih dari 40 tahun tapi sudah jadi CEO Kumpulan.

Aku pun sempat toleh kiri dan kanan, tengok siapa shareholder untuk Scomi Group ni. Rata-ratanya orang Cina yang jadi pelabur. Orang melayu tak ada, kecuali proksi bagi KWSP. Rasa malu pun ada juga.

Tamat saja AGM & EGM, aku amik peluang untuk berjumpa dengan CEO Scomi Group dan Pengerusinya. Saja memperkenalkan diri dan bertukar business card. Indeed, Shah Hakim is a nice person, unlike other stuck up and snobbish corporate guy. But who knows how he would behave in a board of directors' meeting, kan?

Anyway, sementara aku tunggu kawan aku untuk ambil aku di lobi, aku sempat juga berbual dengan salah seorang anggota lembaga pengarah Kumpulan Scomi, Steven Foong. Banyak benda yang aku tanyakan pada dia. And banyak nasihat and pandangan yang aku kira menarik dan juga lain daripada yang lain.

Sebelum dia beredar, aku tanyakan dia satu soalan.

"If there is any good advice you want to give to me before you leave, which one it will be?".

"Remember, be humble. Someday you will be up there, you tend to forget that you are no different than others. Sometimes, people think that they know everything when they actually are not. You can be smart, but there is other person who is smarter than you. You can be rich, but there is other person who is richer than you. Be humble".

"But sir, be humble is a rare commodity nowadays in KL".

"True, and that what makes you a different person than the rest".

He smiled and left in chauffeured Volvo.

Worth For Everyone to Read

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centred;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of having selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you have anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

Everything is over? Ain't so yet. As the relationship maybe over, but for me the friendship lasts forever. Some may wonder what the fuck am I talking about. Well, really..it's none of your business.

Although I couldn't get what I want or couldn't be what I want to be, but for at least I have put forward my full blast effort. I have no qualm or regret anymore on what have had happened between the two of us.

It was sad for me to learn the fact that the mutual feeling can never be revived. But I must thank her for giving me some educational experiences about building a relationship. She brought out the best in me when it comes to pursuing someone that I revere the most in my life. She made me work hard for pursuing her. I never regret for the money, energy and time spent for all that. I firmly believe that it was well spent. I believe everything happens for a reason which only God will reveal in time. For that, I thank her from the bottom of my heart.

You see, time will heal the pain. Yes, I did grieve last night after I learned about this fact. I cried quietly in my room. I took my time to perform solat sunat two rakaah to calm myself.

Now I have an option to take it positively or to take it destructively.

Obviously, I choose the first one. Good things come to those who wait. Something good is gonna come my way...that I am very sure of. In the meantime, I still feel like wanting to stay as a nice guy. Thanks Warie for urging me of not quitting being a nice guy.

To you Miss, I just want to tell you this - Amigos para siempre (friends forever)!

Hati rasa rindu tapi aku rasa malu.
Ikut rasa memang nak kata, tapi takut orang mengata.
Tengok respond pun, macam tak berapa kena.
Silap haribulan aku pulak tidur tak lena.
Tapi nak buat lagu mana, aku memang rindu kat dia.
Jadi aku pun duduk diam-diam saja.

Yesterday I made dozens of phone calls to all hotels in Kuala Terengganu. Seriously I thought the quest to book a room is so easy and yet, it was proven dead wrong. Somehow this weekend Kuala Terengganu is hosting a tae kwon do tournament and all rooms possibly exist in KT are booked.

To add the salt to the wound, my best friend told me that KT is swamped with engineers and vendors for PETRONAS because one of the OPUs is taking its turn to be 'turn around'. It's like you re-boot the whole system again. And this requires everybody to camp there. Well, this ain't a good news for me either.

However, I managed to get hold to one hotel (I better call it a motel instead) which possibly would have vacancy for this weekend. The manager on duty told me that the room will be given to the guest based on walk-in. Bookings are prohibited. Hmmm... I rarely hear any hotel that can be occupied based on walk-in. This must be dodgy, that's what I thought.

The first thing came to my mind was that this motel is probably for people who want to do illegal stuffs. You know nowadays...that 'thing' comes easy. But this is my last resort.

This is the time when I reminisced my good time when I was travelling in the States. We just crashed at any friend's house or stayed overnight at the Islamic Center. Can I do that in KT? It's only gonna be one night in any surau or masjid. It's not like I haven't done that before.

Maybe I should bring along my tent I bought at Walmart, just in case if I can't find any hotel or mosque to crash.

Kan kan kan?

A Date with Shayna Zaid in Alexis Bistro



Still recovering from my sore throat. Nothing fancy about it except it is pain in my ass. Nonetheless, I'm grateful to the Lord because He doesn't forget about my existence here.

Anyway, last weekend I went to see Shayna Zaid's performance in Alexis Bistro, a jazz restaurant in Great Eastern Mall. I didn't recognize her face at first till one of the waiters pointed out to me that the first singer wasn't her, but actually her singer partner. Oh well, doesn't matter which one is Shayna Zaid though because I personally think the performance that night was awesome. We got some groovy that night. The only thing spoiled my night other than my non stopping coughs was the smokes from people around me.

Oh yeah, talking about drinking that night.Lots of people including the malays were drinking. I had one Malay lady who sat in front of me sipped a champagne and another Malay guy ordered Chivas and coke. Nice selection of drink I bet. I guess I was the only who ordered watermelon juice that night. Well, whatever, I don't want to impose my belief onto others as much as I don't like people to do the very same thing to me either.

Yep, I sat there alone and enjoyed the live music by myself. I looked people around me and they all look somebody and somebody. I saw our Dewan Rakyat Speaker, Tan Sri Ramli Ngah Talib and his family were having dinner there just next to the stage. I saw Amer Yusuf too. To my surprise, I coincidentally met with Oshkosh. Last time I met him was in an informal meeting in Bakti building. He was there shooting for Shayna Zaid's show.

I didn't stay long there. I left the place at about 20 minutes to midnite because I just couldn't take the smokes anymore. Almost got choked by the smokes. Plus, I'm running out of my watermelom juice. A glass of that juice cost me almost RM 14. I'd be wasting my money if I order another one. I wonder how much Chivas + coke would cost me...hmmmmm...

Seriously, this swollen throat is killing me. I can't sleep because I slept more than I usually do. The cough syrup doesn't do me any good. I took it twice just to make my eyes go sleepy and the trick just didn't work anymore with me.

I tried to take a day off from doing my work today. Just when I thought I could do that. Oh boy, I was wrong! By afternoon I already felt restless at home and decided to go to the office. This time I chose to drive instead of riding my kapchai. Last time when my brother was just recovering from his fever and he rode motorcycle to his class, he ended in ICU with 3 days in comma state. So I seriously do not want to follow his footsteps.

I'm still feeling a bit weak especially at all of my joints. I followed exactly like what the doctor had asked me to do - taking rest and drink plenty of plain water. Okay, I lied. Taking a rest is a bit cliche' nowadays especially for those sick people. And I took it lightly until this fever struck me. Urghhhh...

And yeah, I've been staring at my cellphone today. Waiting for a courtesy call, or a courtesy sms. Even until now, I'm still waiting.

Anak tekak aku bengkak.
Badan aku start dah nak rasa panas.
Kepala aku dah start rasa pening-pening.

Yes, aku memang dah dekat nak demam ni.

I was at the airport last night. I was rushing from KLCC and tried to get there on time. Somehow I felt very anxious for this impromptu meeting and felt a bit nervous. Well, let me rephrase my word. I felt very nervous about this impromptu meeting. In fact, I was sweating while I was in ERL on the way to KLIA.

I waited patiently for about 40 minutes before I saw her walking out from the arrival gate. At that moment, I felt like my heart was almost exploding due to the nervousness I had inside. My knees were numb that I almost staggered. I tried to hid the flowers I bought at KL Sentral.

I really wasn't thinking much when I bought the roses. Everything was done on impulse. I bought a small bouquet of roses, specifically asked for three red roses, from the same florist I acquired roses last year for her. At first the florist wanted to sell me one big bouquet of mixed flowers but I refused. I literally begged her to make a simple arrangement of three roses and I was willing to pay it at any price she put. Luckily I finally managed to get what I wanted in the first place.

So the roses were put together with the present. And I held them closely like I held my soul to myself.

I am glad that she likes my gift. In fact, I silently feels like fleeting in the air when she says she loves it. Phewww...

I couldn't exactly know how to describe the feeling when I finally saw her face to face. I felt hungry but the moment I had the meal in front of me, I didn't feel like eating it. It's enough with who I had in front of me. It's enough to know that she is okay with me. It's enough to see her smiling heartily.

I felt empty once I left her at the Sentral. Hollow. But at the same time, I felt grateful for meeting her again. Last night I went to bed at 4 am. Couldn't fall asleep because I was too excited because I met her. Because I miss her. And because I couldn't forget her reaction when she opened the gift.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to seeing her again soon. Don't mind to drive for 4 hours of round-trip journey just for a couple of minutes of meeting. It worth every mile I shall have on the car.

So today I decided to wear the t shirt she gave to me last night.

Rindu ini sudah lama berlabuh.
Aku masih rasa bahagia,
walau kau tidak sudi menyambungnya.
- A Samad Said, Sasterawan Negara.

Kata kawan aku, S, aku kena buat satu garis pembahagi di antara maksud sabar membuta tuli dan maksud praktikal. Katanya aku dah banyak bersabar dan berusaha untuk memenangi satu hati. Samada dia akan menghargainya, itu semua Tuhan punya kuasa. Dan samada kawan aku tu betul atau tidak, aku sendiri pun tak berapa tahu sebenarnya.

Aku cuma berusaha untuk capai apa yang aku nak dalam hidup. Selepas berusaha, aku bertawakal. Kalau aku dapat apa yang aku mahukan, aku bersyukur. Kalau tidak, aku yakin ada hikmah tiap di sebalik kejadian.

Mungkin aku akan sentiasa perhatikan apa yang akan berlaku seterusnya. If there isn't anything positive about it, I may have to call it a day.

And perhaps, I may have to join the program like my old friend W did. :D hey...it's nothing wrong to get new experience!!

I don't know what else I should write here. Somehow I'm having a writer's block. I remember my English literature lecturer once said to us about overcoming writer's block. Hmm..Mr Hakikat Singh, oh yes..this name certainly rings a bell in my mind about my good one year in PPP, ITM.

Anyway, last week I was at PAS-Keadilan political campaign speech. That was the first time ever I attended such program after I got back from the States. The first time I had such experience was in 1998 when Anwar was sacked from the cabinet. I was at his home, surveying, looking and tasting how was it like to be in a 'Reformasi' movement.

You see, Anwar has always been a political icon to me. I view him as a charismatic leader and a responsible one too. I'm sure he has a lot of shortcomings but he is the best candidate so far. Seriously I believe nobody in UMNO Supreme Council can match his charisma. His oratory skill is certainly superb and I don't think Pak Lah can even be in his league.

So, coming back to the story which I was at the political speech of PAS-Keadilan in Taman Melewar, hell..I really don't know what moved me to be there although it was quite late that night. After Anwar delivered his speech and some comments about PKR's loss in the recent by-election in Ijok, I managed to have a chat with PKR's Ijok by-election candidate, Tan Sri Khalid and Azmin Ali, the PKR vice president. Azmin has known me since last year when I sat next to him in the civil court at Wisma Denmark. Ever since then, we sometimes communicate through sms.

I believe in Alternative Front's cause. I do believe people should stop supporting corrupt government. I do believe government must be told that they serve the people, not the other way around. I strongly support for a conscious and just government. Everyone deserves to be treated equal, regardless of their skin color and religion preference. I strongly admire those who fought for the country's dignity in preserving democracy..but not at the expense of establishing another corrupted government.

The recent by-election was an exhibition of gargantuan scale of corruption, practiced in a broad daylight by our so called leaders. The abuse of power by the leader is clearly seen throughout the campaign period. The oppression made by the government through government instruments like police and FRU upon the opposition parties was utterly disgusted. Not to mention the thug-like attitude demonstrated by Pemuda UMNO. I feel pity for those who claim they fight for the Malays when actually, they only fight for their own rice pot. I definitely won't buy such cheap talk.

So, what should I do? Frankly, I think it's high time for young people to question again their belief, to evaluate their political standing and to visualize what will happen to us in the next 5, or 10 or 15 years if these irresponsible actions go unchecked.

Each of us is an agent of change. Without a collective consciousness, there will not be a strong nation. Without a collective effort, there will not be any clean government. And without a collective humility, we all just be slaves to the elite ruling party's leaders. "It's sad, but true" (borrowed from Metallica).

Mata sebenarnya sudah mengantuk tapi hati terasa berdebar-debar. Terasa nak saja mengutuk diri sendiri bila terlanjur mulut bercakap sayang hari ni. Memanglah hati sayang, tapi kenapalah mulut aku ringan saja nak cakap sayang pada dia. Bukan saja setakat rasa sayang, tapi rasa macam-macam lagilah.

Tapi lepas tercakap tu, hati sebenarnya rasa seronok. Tak apalah, bukannya selalu sebut. Tuhan saja yang tahu betapa seksanya hati menahan diri dari nak luahkan perasaan sayang, biarpun hanya dengan perkataan. Aku selalu ingatkan diri, actions speak louder than words. Tak perlu dikatakan sayang, yang selalu terzahir ialah perbuatan.

Petang tadi waktu aku terlelap di sofa, termimpi-mimpi aku pada dia. Ini kali kedua aku berjumpa dengan dia dalam mimpi. Kali ni aku mimpi aku berjalan dengan dia sambil berpegangan tangan. Kami berdua seronok berborak sambil berjalan, ketawa bersama-sama. Mungkinkah akan terjadi di satu hari nanti? Harap-harap begitulah. Wallahu'alam.

Kawan aku kata aku mimpi macam tu sebab aku tak dapat buat macam tu in real life. Maksudnya, itu semua angan-angan aku. Hurmmm......

Let the bygones be bygone. No use to ponder upon it, for it will bring more harm than good to myself or to anyone else. Sometimes I did something awfully stupid because I didn't use my rationale rationally. As a result, someone may get hurt emotionally. It doesn't matter if they are friends or foes, still I apologize wholeheartedly.

I believe things will get better.

And it will be better.

I was thinking to write something, especially after I got back from TTDI just now. I feel something is unsettled - dissappointed and feel unjustly treated. But why do I bother about it when one is not even bothered about what I just said.

So I decided...I'm done with this. I just don't give a fuck anymore. Stop being a good guy, won't make you any good. Seriously. Rasa macam kita pulak terhegeh-hegeh.

Anyway, I read this joke from Judd's page. Nice one!

That's Impossible !!!
Once there was a Genie. A woman saw him. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie."

So... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for.. a good man."

The genie let out a huge sigh and said,

"Let me see that fucking map again."

P/S: Even when the men have all the aforementioned qualities, they still don't want to appreciate the men, even more to be partners with them.

Two weeks ago I asked my students of what grade they obtained in their first midterm. Especially in Math and Science since I am teaching them both subjects. Only one out of nine students got B and the rest was everywhere down the grade ladder. I assigned to everyone to write a short story if they’d like of why do they like their grade so much. It is so obvious that they like their C or D or E because they keep getting that result.

So below is the sample of one student who got B in her Math test.

Bagaimana Saya Boleh Mendapat Gred B Dalam Matematik?
Sebenarnya saya sendiri pun terkejut dapat gred ‘B’. Saya suruh cikgu kira balik kertas saya, sebab sebelum nie saya dapat gred ‘D’.
Atau pun mungkin sebab semua soalan adalah soalan Tingkatan 3. Tapi lepas cikgu bagitahu hari nak periksa saya buat ulangkaji. Sehari satu soalan bagi satu tajuk. Saya teringat mami kata, “Kalau malas nak ulangkaji, focus masa cikgu mengajar. Pastu ingat balik apa cikgu cakap, then tulis (nota kecil)”.
Mungkin juga sebab saya suka topic Tingkatan 3 dan saya rasa seronok belajar sebab ia sesuatu yang baru serta mencabar minda saya. Mungkin juga sebab saya ikut cakap sir sebelum tidur cakap, “I’m a grade A student, I have 8 A’s in my PMR”. Tapi kalau saya buat sir suruh imagine saya dapat ape, mungkin saya dapat grade A.
Tapi saya memang suker subjek Maths. Dulu saya memang kurang suker subject ni. Tapi lama saya cakap takpe buat untuk PMR, then now. I love Maths. Tiap-tiap hari masa gie sekolah saya teringat kata mamai yang ni, “Kalau tak faham Tanya cikgu, jangan buat bodoh sombong”. So, tiap kali ada Maths, kalu tak faham saya Tanya cikgu. Sampai tiap kali masa Maths, cikgu mesti panggil saya, then Tanya yang tak faham.
Then, mungkin sebab kawan-kawan selalu Tanya saya, so saya selalu buat rujukan semula dan ajar dorang. Mungkin juga saya selalu buat latihan Matematik. Kawan – kawan kat sekolah juga banyak membantu. Saya dengan kawan saya, Intan selalu Tanya Hafizzudin, orang yang terror Maths in my class.
I will work hard to get A in my PMR. Saya nak buktikan kat semua orang I’m not that stupid!

This is another writing sample of my student who obtained E in her Math test.

Why do I like E for my Math.
Sebab saya dapat E ialah saya tak selalu ulangkaji. Saya lebih pada mata pelajaran penghafalan. Bukan math tak penting, tapi bagi saya, saya tak suke buat latihan math.
Math ni memang best bagi saya tapi bila tak dapat selesaikan masalah math, saya jadi macam patah semangat untuk buat math. Memangla ada mulut untuk tanya tapi saya tak suka buat Math.
Math pada bulan Mac ni menaik sikit la....daripada bulan februari dulu walaupun saya failled.
Saya cuba tapi bila exam saya jadi bler untuk buat math. Tulah sebab saya lebih mata pelajaran penghafalan daripada kira-kira ni.
Saya harap saya lebih lagilah. Kalau saya practise saya boleh buat tapi saya malas.

I didn’t say much after reading their so called stories. Their writing reflects their mentality and their mindset. I only told them four things which they need to stick to their mind like they memorize their first boyfriend’s name;

1. No excuse
2. No blame
3. No complaint
4. No harap-harap

You can’t ask someone else to do push up for you, ain’t it right peeps? Someone has to do it and that someone is them – themselves.

Change your thought and you change your destiny!

A sucessful man is a man..



who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much;
who has gained the respect of intelligent men and the love of children;
who has filled his niche and accomplished his task;
who leaves the world better than he found it, whether by an improved poppy, a perfect poem, or a rescued soul;
who never lacked appreciation of earth's beauty or failed to express it;
who looked for the best in others...

and gave the best he had.

Hari ni aku pegi ke Subang Hitech area untuk dapatkan tandantangan klien aku. It was almost about to rain when I drove to his place. Sampai saja kat sana, client aku pulak tak ada. Adoiiihhhh! Kena menunggu sekejap.

I guess it was okay because I had a chance to have a chat with Indian guards at the guard post. You see, MAXIS is not only owned by the telecommunication mogul who is not only Indian, but it is also guarded by the Indian. But it's alrite, they are friendly people.

Ada pulak satu makcik cleaner ni baru habis bekerja. Kesian dia. Baru nak balik, tengok-tengok hujan dah turun dengan lebatnya. Dia duduk menunggu lama juga di sebelah pondok jaga tu. Aku sempat bersembang dengan makcik indonesia ni. Tak lama lepas tu aku nampak dia nak pinjam payung dari pondok jaga. Katanya dia nak redah hujan jalan kaki hingga ke bus stop yang boleh tahan berpeluh jugak kalau menapak dalam hujan tu.

Masa tu client aku baru saja sampai and aku pun cakap kat makcik tu, takyah jalan kaki ke sana. Biar aku hantar dia terus sampai ke depan area rumah dia. Hujan-hujan macam ni, kesian pulak dia tunggu bas dalam hujan. As soon as I got the client's John Hancock, terus aku jemput makcik cleaner tu naik kereta. Sambung balik berbual pasal dia. Macam-macam aku tanya pasal makcik tu. Dari mana asalnya, dah lama ke kerja di sini...suaminya pulak kerja di mana..

Aku rasa seronok dapat tolong orang. In fact, aku rasa lagi seronok dapat kenal orang. Lagi pun, tak rugi pun kita tolong orang for as long kita tau orang tu tak jahat pun.

So moral of the story...tolong la sapa-sapa pun. Jangan sebab kita pakai pakaian yang lagi mahal daripada orang lain, atau pun profession kita lebih hebat dari orang lain..jadikan hati kita hitam dan sebal untuk bantu orang lain. Mesti at the end of the day, kita rasa tak best kan?

So today, I smile with a victorious feeling. A feeling of wanting to help more people. How about you?

I tried to get a nice spot in Alexis Bistro tonight but my effort was not that successful. So here I end up at Starbuck, getting online to update my blog. It's not so much of updating ......it is more like whining. Ermm...maybe it's not whining.

Anyway...it has been quite sometimes since I enjoyed listening to life jazz music. Last time I was there with Che Wan. We both stayed there till Noryn Aziz finished her performance. I must say, she's good with jazz music. Her voice has some soul, you know?! It's always nice to listen to live music once in a while. I find it very relaxing.

I used to enjoy live music in Schroom Cafe at KLCC. Sometimes I requested one or two from my favourite song list. Sometimes they sang my song...and sometimes they didn't. Perhaps because they didnt know of that tune. Of course, I dont think many of you too would share the same musical taste as mine. Usually I just sat there with a Coke or possibly, Teh Tarik, and hummed along with the singer. The crowd was pretty okay.

Oh yeah..I had a discussion with my friend on yesterday about giving an expensive dinner for family. Hurmm..was it about family..or was it about the expensive dinner? I can't remember exactly..but it was something like that. I said, it's ok for me to give an expensive dinner for family because I feel they worth it. Because I feel, it's like giving credit to myself by acknowledging my own capability to give them one. I personally feel that I desire all the expensive stuffs in life. I feel if I work hard and earn so and so income, I should give credit to myself and go spend some of my earnings. Alang-alang tu, belasah la benda-benda mahal. No?

I want to earn a lot for myself. I want to earn a lot because I want to provide many things to my family. As I told my friend, I bought so many supplements and medical remedies for my mom. Sometimes they are cheap..but most of the time..they are not. I also want to bring them to some good places. I think they deserve to have all the good things life can offer. In fact, I think my future spouse and my children one day should get all the good things life can offer.

That is why I must work hard right now. It's not so much for me. But it is everything for my future family....which I don't know when they will come. Hahahahaha....

Aku menungkan satu hari
Yang indah ketika hanya aku dan dia
Kita bertemu, bersua dan berjumpa
Untuk berbual-bual cuma
Melepaskan rasa rindu yang bertandang sahaja.

Sesekali juga aku mengimpikan
Untuk berselisihan dengannya
Hanya untuk melihat kelibat wajah
Yang jarang sekali resah
Untuk aku serahkan sekuntum bunga
Tanda kasihku padanya,
Tanda setiaku padanya,
Tanda ikhlasku untuk tawan hatinya. - Bicara Hati, July 27, 2006

Kawan kamceng aku sudah tunang!! Yeayyy..akhirnya selepas beberapa tahun bercinta...tunang jugak ko ek, Caza!! Anyway...congratulations beb! Aku memang seriyes tabik spring dengan kawan aku sorang ni..percintaan yang sungguh dramatik gitu.



Ada dua event yang aku terlepas masa last weekend sebab aku attend satu kursus nih. Aku ter miss Amat punya kenduri kawen and Caza nya majlis pertunangan. Amat member aku sejak dari sekolah rendah. Aku cuma sempat datang ke rumah Amat pada waktu malam sebelum kenduri bermula. Sembang-sembang dengan dia. Sembang-sembang dok bercerita pasal kawan-kawan lama kami dulu. Tanya-tanya juga pasal belanja kahwin. Bukan sikit-sikit beb orang nak berkahwin ni. Kurang-kurang lebur RM 20,000. Itu pun kena ambil kira pasangan kita dari mana pulak. Macam Amat ni, orang rumahnya dari belah pantai timur. So, kira lain pulak dah cara belanja kahwin dia.

Bila aku habis saja kursus di Damansara Perdana, terus aku bergegas balik untuk ke rumah Amat. Sampai sana pun dah dekat-dekat nak maghrib dah. Sembang dengan mak ayah dia kejap, ngan mamat tu sekali..sambil layan nasi minyak orang baru kahwin. Dia sempat perkenalkan isteri dia kat aku. Kekok pulak aku....sampai sekarang sebenarnya aku kekok nak bersembang-sembang dengan isteri kawan-kawan aku. Senyum-senyum sambil berbasa-basi. Cukuplah tu.



Hmm...seronok aku berkawan dengan Amat. Dari zaman kami bersekolah rendah sama-sama, sampai ke zaman bekerja..hubungan kami tak pernah putus. Baik orangnya Amat ni and penyabar. Taat pada mak ayah. Taat pada agama. Aku rasa orang rumah Amat ni mesti beruntung sebab dapat Amat. Aku tahu, mamat ni ramai peminat masa belajar kat UIA dulu. Amat pernah cakap dia reject tiga awek junior yang datang nak mengurat dia.

Sebelum aku balik dari rumah dia, sekali lagi terkena soalan cepuk emas. "Beb, kau bila lagi?". Hahahaha..soalan macam ni yang aku malas nak menjawab. "Mat, aku pandai pancing duit...ribu-ribu ke..juta-juta ke..insya allah aku boleh usahakan. Pancing perempuan...mintak maaf, aku serious tak pandai".

Kami gelak ajer sama-sama. Amat gelak suka. Aku gelak buat-buat suka.

Last night I met with an old man at a car wash place. I sent my kapcai to be washed. Yep, I know..i'm a lazy bummer. But, who cares! Anyway, coming back to the story. I met this one old man..he looks like a pretty decent guy. He wore pagoda shirt and jeans and an expensive wrist watch. He sent his E-class Mercedes there to be washed and polished.



I was bored and he was bored as well, so we began to hold a conversation. I found out that he is a D-class contractor. He was in military intelligence before he retired 10 years ago. Prior to his retirement, he took some re-settlement courses and some enterpreneurship courses. He told me that he spent 12 months working for one QS company in Gombak before he established his own small company. His first job was with Education Ministry, fixing broken doors and toilet for the school around Selangor/KL. And after that, he never looked back again.

He told me that nobody can stop you from achieving what you want in your life. He doesn't have a basic degree nor diploma. He was a plain Joe. He said, "Doesn't matter if you don't have a degree, or you're not an expert in what you want to do, you can always find out of how to make things work. You've got to work hard towards your goals. Skill can be acquired, knowledge can be seeked, but the will to succeed must come from within".

I listened to him attentively. While listening to him, I keep saying to myself,"There must be something that God wants to teach me by making me talking to this guy".

I guess that serves as a reminder - You get only what you put into the Life. No Pain, No Gain. Period.