Ada Yang Belum Selesai Rupanya

...menempuh jarak dan titian
rimba dan lautan
mencari sesuatu yang abadi
aku yang masih di perhentian hidup ini
begitu jauh mengembara
ke serata dunia
mengejar siang dan malam.
surut dan pasang.
mencari suatu kebebasan.
mencari suatu kedamaian....

Ada yang mahu diceritakan tapi tersekat di kerongkong minda. Ada yang mahu didendangkan tapi tersekat di peti hati. Akhirnya tersadai saja di sini dengan harapan dapat meredakan ribut dalam hati.

Everything Is Over

Bila terkenang masa lalu
Rasa terharu
Segalanya masih kekal dalam kenangan
Tiba di persimpangan jalan, berpisah jauh
Sekian lama di rantau, bersendiri - Wheels, Dalam Kenangan



Alhamdulillah, semuanya dah berakhir dengan habisnya paper Ch E 414 (Chemical Reaction Engineering course). Balik rumah terus buat sujud syukur and doa pada tuhan minta dipermudahkan semua urusan aku baik dalam hal keputusan peperiksaan, mahupun urusan selepas peperiksaan.

The question is now, what next? What will happen next? For better or worse, I'm going home in January. By hook or by crook, I will be at home in January. Do I miss Malaysia? Yes, I do. Very much.



You see, I rarely at home. Aku pindah ke Ampang masa aku darjah 5. Sempat dua tahun ajer untuk kenal jiran-jiran di sekitar rumah aku. Masa Tingkatan 1, aku masuk SAS. Jadi hilang 5 tahun untuk berkenalan/bersilaturrahim dengan jiran-jiran. Habis SPM, aku cuma habiskan masa 6 bulan saja di rumah dan kemudian masuk ke PPP, ITM untuk buat prep course ke US. Tempoh 6 bulan tu pun banyak aku habiskan dengan buat kerja part time; jadi tukang tulis tiket parking, jadi cashier di KFC, jadi housekeeper coordinator kat Crown Princess Hotel, travel dalam Kelantan. Lepas tu aku habiskan masa setahun di ITM, Shah Alam. Jarang-jarang balik rumah sebab aku clash idea menghabiskan weekend aku dengan ayah aku. Aku masa tu aktif join aktiviti Persatuan Mahasiswa Islam, gi sana-sini buat program pada waktu hujung minggu. Even kalau aku balik rumah pada hujung minggu pun, mesti aku keluar juga untuk mesyuarat ke, datang program ke. Sampai papa marah and dia cakap, "Kalau sibuk sangat buat program sana-sini, jangan balik rumah!". Yup, aku tak balik rumah lepas tu. Banyak habiskan masa di asrama seksyen 18 ajer. Hujung minggu tak ke mana-mana, melepak dalam bilik.



Habis prep course di ITM, aku fly ke US on August 13th, 1999. 2 tahun kemudian aku balik ke M'sia selama satu bulan setengah. Again, tak banyak masa aku habiskan dengan family. Banyak keluar untuk jumpa kawan-kawan lama. Keluar untuk hadiri usrah. Keluar untuk jayakan program Alumni American Top University Student Association (kelab yang aku join masa di PPP dulu). Aida ngan Aini pun complaint, kata payah benar nak bercakap dengan aku dalam telefon. Diorang lagi banyak bersembang dengan ayah aku daripada bercakap dengan aku sebab aku jarang-jarang ada kat rumah. Maklum ler, dulu-dulu tak pakai handphone sebab aku anti handphone. Kemudian aku balik ke US semula.

Dua tahun kemudian aku balik semula ke M'sia. Itu pun sebab di'cuti'kan oleh Jabatan Perdana Menteri. Apa nak buat, aku dah jadi famous sebab aku dikatakan jadi golongan anti kerajaan. Tak apa, aku dapat cuti free 3 bulan. Tiket pergi balik ditanggung sepenuhnya oleh PETRONAS. Penat berjuang hak aku dengan orang atasan kat PETRONAS, aku dapat balik semula ke US. Itu pun nak tercabut kepala lutut aku turun naik KLCC sepanjang tempoh 3 bulan tu. Masa tu juga aku banyak habiskan masa di rumah. Banyak habiskan masa dengan mak aku. Sempatlah kenal-kenal dengan jiran semula.

Baru aku tahu, ada jiran-jiran yang dah berpindah. Ada anak-anak jiran yang dah kahwin, tak pun dah bekerja. Diorang dulu-dulu jadi member aku main bola. Ada yang jadi member main kejar-kejar dalam longkang. Last year aku balik, sempat juga datang majlis akad nikah dan kenduri kahwin Ayu, kawan aku dari sekolah rendah. Mak dia suruh aku datang waktu malam pulak, tengok si Ayu berinai, tapi aku tolak. Aku kata, cukuplah aku dah tengok akad nikah dan bersanding. Mak Ayu kenal aku sejak dari zaman aku belum bersunat sampai lah dah besar panjang ni. Tak abih-abih tanya aku, bila mau kawen.



Seronok dapat berjumpa dengan kawan-kawan sekolah rendah dulu. Sayang aku tak dapat tengok kawan baik aku dari sekolah rendah, Onny, kahwin dengan orang Kota Bharu. Lepas aku balik semula ke US, aku dapat tahu Elina dipinang engineer PETRONAS, namanya Farid, background study macam aku juga cuma tua 3 tahun dari kami. Yang lain-lain, aku tak tahu.

Oh, seronok juga dapat jumpa dengan Aini & Aida. Bukan takat jumpa diorang berdua ajer, dapat jumpa sekali dengan husband-husband diorang. 5 tahun berkawan baik di internet, cuma dengar suara dan tengok gambar, dari zaman diorang anak dara, bertunang sampai dipinang orang...tahun lepas baru aku dapat berjumpa dengan orangnya. Yang nak buat lagi best, husband Aida belanja makan kat posh restaurant gak lah. Haa..rajin-rajinlah belanja aku yek nanti? Berkat harta ko nanti..hehehehe..

Cuti 3 bulan tahun lepas jugak, aku jadi driver untuk anak dara mama aku balik dari sekolah. Kopak jugaklah poket aku sebab Kakak ajak makan sana-sini. Waktu pagi aku habiskan masa di rumah aku, waktu petang aku habiskan di rumah mama, tak pun rumah Tok Mak. Mama kata, bila aku balik tahun depan nanti, aku kena ajar Kakak untuk SPM. Aku dah cakap siang-siang kat Kakak, nak belajar tuition Math/Science dengan aku, siap-siaplah nak kena bedal dengan rotan kalau malas-malas.



So, dah masuk 5 tahun lebih di sini. Apa kesudahannya? Kesudahannya...aku nak balik M'sia. Aku dah puas hidup kat Amerika. Dah dua kali presidential election aku lalui. Dua-dua kali George W Bush (Republican) menang! Hangin aku!

Biarlah aku tak sampai lagi ke Disneyland, biarlah aku tak sampai lagi kat Mount Rushmore. Aku tak menyesal pun. Aku puas hidup di Amerika mengumpul kawan-kawan, baik dari kalangan orang yang buat degree, sampai ke orang buat PhD. Buat network dengan politicians. Buat network dengan some business people. Itu lebih penting bagi aku.

Tapi apa-apa hal pun...aku kena lulus semua paper aku dulu! Baru boleh meronggeng balik M'sia. Bak kata Uncle Anwar kat aku masa malam raya, "Balik cepat-cepat, we need all the help we can get here!".

Bila masanya tiba nanti, aku kembali
Pasti ada yang berubah dan tiada lagi
Dan bila kutinggalkan lagi kampung halaman
Segalanya kan abadi dalam kenangan
Dalam kenangan... - Wheels, Dalam Kenangan

Nothing Interesting

Teringat bonda Azya, "orang lelaki ni suka cakap yang besar-besar...orang pompuan ni suka cerita pasal apa yang dia buat hari-hari..". Haa..aku paraphrase jek apa yang Azya tulih dalam blog dia. Well, ada benarnya apa yang mak dia cakap tu. Lelaki suka bercakap hal-hal yang lebih luas konsepnya. Perempuan suka bercerita perkara-perkara yang berkaitan dengan perihal emosi dia. Itu sudah sunnatullah. Fitrah. Pi mai, pi mai...tang tu gakk!

Aku pun teringin nak tulis beberapa isu yang aku rasa agak penting tapi selalu terhenti sebab keputusan idea. Aku teringin nak tulis komen aku pasal perkembangan ekonomi China, nak komen gerak kerja MISG, nak bergossip pasal Sharifah Aini-Asmah & the Gang or at least nak cerita pasal politik. Tapi malangnya, bila aku mula fikir pasal hal-hal tu, otak aku jadi bengap kejap. Bangang!

Anyway..just to give a note, banyak isu-isu menarik yang dibangkitkan oleh bloggers lain. Pok Ku bercerita pasal pengalaman dia tunaikan haji/umrah (aku tak pasti) di baitulharam, Kak Elida cerita pasal dilema orang bertudung di M'sia, Kak DZ dok bercerita pasal cara-cara nak jadi penulis yang baik. Pendek kata, bernas segala isi blog depa. Tak ape, orang makin berumur, dia jadi makin bijak. Atau pun, makin bistari. Orang muda macam kita ni, lebih mengikut arus, lebih mengalun angin. Bukan koranglah tapi, aku mungkin juga.

Oh well, hari ni memang aku tak buat semenda pun. Konon semangat nak study maut tapi rasa pemalas datang buat aku jadik lengit tak ingat-ingat. Yang aku tau, aku kempunan nak makan pengat pisang. So petang tadi aku buat pengat pisang kat rumah member aku. Alhamdulillah, pengat pisang laku dibedal oleh semua perut kat rumah tu sambil layan Smallville season 3 & 4. Aku pun bedal lebih dari dua kali sebab aku kebulur tak ingat-ingatnya. Tak makan apa-apa sejak dari petang semalam.

Then sedap layan Smallville, aku pergi gym pulak. Right habis workout kat gym, aku balik rumah. Perut jadik lapar balik. Ya Allah, bak kata kawan aku laa...ada naga gamaknya dalam perut aku ni. So, sampai rumah aku masak lagi nasi goreng kampung. Mak aihhh..memang sah ada bapak naga dalam perut aku ni. Entah bila dia bersarang, aku pun tak tahu.

Apa-apa pun..aku tahu ari ni aku memang buntal!

Years Go By



People Come & People Go
every minute and every hour
people come and people go
for when they will come back
we will never know

the only thing we can pray
is for them to stay
for how long we will never know
only until on the day they will go

people come and people go
let's pray happiness and joy they find
if someday they will know
how much we miss them fine
hopefully they will drop a line
- I wrote this poem on Feb. 10th 2004

Malam semalam aku call papa ngan mummy kat rumah. Entah, saja nak call. Nak bagitau pasal exam hari Jumaat lepas. Sambil sembang dengan papa, sempat aku tanya pasal banjir di Kelantan. Kawan aku di Kota Bharu bagitau, banjir teruk sangat area rumah dia and also di Kubang Kerian. Kereta Kancil dia pun tersangkut dalam banjir. Kesian.

Papa kata, mungkin banjir kali ni akan jadi sama macam banjir besar tahun 1967 di Kelantan dulu. Aku pun mengiyakan ajer, bukan tahu sangat. Tok Su telefon rumah pagi tadi, kata papa. Dia bagitau rumah Bak tak naik air. Cuma air dah masuk sikit bahagian dapur rumah Pok Jak, rumah pak sedara aku yang letaknya kat belakang rumah Bak. Alhamdulillah. Tapi bila memikirkan paras air yang sampai mencecah ke ruang dapur rumah Pok Jak, memang tinggi betullah paras air naik kali ni sebabnya kawasan rumah atuk aku tu tinggi la jugak.

Sempat cakap dengan mummy. Bagitau kat mummy, aku masak sambal berlada telur goreng ngan sayur masak air ajer. Nak kata sup, rasanya bukan sup kot. Itu pun pertama kali aku cuba masak sayur, sebelum ni buat sayur goreng saje. Itu pun kalau nak jamu orang. Kalau aku makan sendiri, memang masak lauk aje, sayur tolak tepi (ni dok imagine, mesti Caza dok membebel kat telinga aku suruh makan sayur!). Minggu lepas aku bagitau mummy yang aku masak nasik lemak untuk sarapan pagi. Mummy tanya, "Ni makan berapa orang ni?". "Lerr..orang makan sorang laa..", jawab aku. Ikut hati nak ajer jawap cenggini, "Takde lah mummy, Yed makan dengan bini laa. Makan sorang mana best!". Mahu pengsan mak aku kang dibuatnya! "Rajinnya!", mak aku kata. Dah aku kempunan nak makan sambal tumis ikan bilis, itu pasal aku buat nasik lemak tu. Kebetulan bangkit awal untuk buat solat sunat, alang-alang tu siapkan sarapan terus.

Aku rasa, lama benar dah aku tak makan sardin. Teringin sangat nak makan sardin yang mak aku masak. Aku masak macam mana pun, tak sama dengan masakan mak aku. Betul kata Cikgu Rosni kat Alam Shah dulu, jauh mana pun anak-anak pergi belajar, mesti nak juga balik sebab nak rasa masakan mak. Mak Acap tahu aku suka makan sardin. Tiap kali aku gi rumah dia, mesti dia suruh orang gaji dia masakkan sardin untuk aku. Mak aku pulak komplen, "Macam dah tak ada benda lain nak dimakannya!". Ehhh..sardin tu sedap apa?! Lagi satu, sardin ni banyak khasiatnya. Boleh cerdaskan otak sebab itu sumber 'fish oil', bagus untuk perkembangan otak.

Housemate aku tanya kat mana aku belajar masak-masak ni. Aku cakap, aku belajar dari kawan-kawan. Tak pun, aku tanya resipi dari mak aku. Americans tak pandai masak, bagi aku lah. Sebab diorang tahu buat spaghetti and milano sauce ajer. Bukan nak claim aku ni pandai masak, kalau aku pandai masak...lame dah aku berhenti belajar engineering and bukak restoran. Tapi nak kata, orang Americans jarang terbukak hati nak belajar masakan luar. Aku sekali dua makan spaghetti tu kira okay lagi. Tapi kalau hari-hari, mahu nak muntah gak dibuatnya! Lagi satu, diorang ni takut sangat nak curah sambal cili tu dalam kuali diorang. Takut mati kena kanser gamaknya!

Orang kita kan, suka benar makan makanan western. Maybe sebab nama dia hebat-hebat la kan. Kalau nak kira, sempoi sangat jek masakan diorang. Cuba kita tukar nama sambal tumis tu pada nama yang canggih sikit. Bunyik macam Latin name sikit, tak pun macam Italian sikit. Gerenti laku! Sebab orang kita jakun sikit bab-bab produk dari luar ni.

Terasa baru semalam ajer aku belajar masak kari dari Kak Minah, isteri Abang J. Ha ah, itulah first masakan aku. Kari ayam. Sebelah tangan pegang sudip, sebelah tangan lagi pegang telefon. Kesian Kak Minah kena entertain soalan-soalan merepek aku pasal masak. "Kak Minah, kenapa kari ni tak rasa macam kari? Kak Minah, naper kena letak bunga lawang dalam ni? Eh, masin sangat lah kari ni Kak Minah. Nak buat camner nak bagi kurang masin ni kak?". At the end, masak kari bagi aku sekarang ni takde hal dah.

Kalau boleh aku nak cuba semua jenis masakan tapi sayang, masa tak ada. Tambah lagi, duit pun tak ada sangat untuk beli bahan-bahan. Ada masa, ada bahan-bahannya, ada geng nak sembang time masak...aku rasa jadik kot! Tak nak ramai-ramai masak, serabut kepala otak aku. Kalau ramai-ramai sembang time aku masak, mungkin okay. Anyway, aku suka lagi masak sorang-sorang. Boleh nyanyi-nyanyi sampai tercabut anak tekak aku ni!

"Sepanjang jalan kenangan..kita selalu bergandingan tangan"
"Sepanjang jalan kenangan, kupeluk dirimu mesra..lalalaa.."

Curi Masa Sekejap

Inspiring Quote

I heard this from a movie preview, Spanglish, soon will be showing at US cinemas on December 17th.

"This is the job, these are the decisions. When to push them, when to back them. Worrying about your children is sanity and being that sane;.. can drive you nuts," - Adam Sandler, Spanglish.

Must see this film. Must see it. Very inspiring indeed.

Nouche de Salsa, recollection

A few weeks ago I went to this Latin live music show called Nouche de Salsa. The band is really good. The singer is awesome. The Alumni Hall was really packed with students as well as outsiders. They came to enjoy good music and also to dance.

Yes, I was there because I wanted to dance 'salsa'. Well, just by myself though, not with anyone else. And yes, indulging myself in Latin music - my favourite music. Anyway, that's not what I want to say here. The Nouce de Salsa night reminds me to a writing I wrote not so long ago about the passion of dancing. I repost the writing here for your reading leisure.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shall We Dance?



"Beverly, dance with me?".
"I don't know how".
"You've been dancing with me for 19 years".
- Richard Gere & Susan Sarandon in Shall We Dance movie.

For many who have known me personally, seeing me dancing in public is the last thing they would imagine in their mind. I must say the passion to dance is not exactly something I have for public display but it is more for my private life. They say, to dance is to have rhythm in your life, feeling energetic as well as grasping the beat of the moment and subsequently you manifest in physical motion. As for me, dancing is more for personal satisfaction - a way to liberate yourself from mind-numbing day-to-day routine.

I began to love dancing when I enrolled myself in a ballroom dance class last year. The act was purely unintentional. The sole reason I joined the class because I needed to drop the Pistol class (shooting class) due to late enrolment. Anxious to get some adventure, I signed up for men ballroom dance class. I thought the class would be segregated between men and women - unfortunately (well, I should say, gladly) it's a mixed classroom. We changed partners everytime we learn new steps or move. The female would move either clock-wise or counter clock-wise and men were just standing in big circle while waiting for their partners to stand next to them.

First rule of dance - men always lead the dance. Second rule of dance - always start with your left foot.

The first dance I learnt was waltz. Although I signed up quite late for this course, I happened to learn very quickly for each step. Waltz became a physical work out for me because it required a solid motion and stiff body frame drawn from the couple's physical structure. The mistake which I usually did is looking at my own feet. Sometimes I even stepped on my partner's foot. Second style was foxtrot which was introduced by Henry Fox dated before the World War II. It is considered a pure American dance as compared to waltz, lindy and a few others. This style, which I truly enjoyed, has been my favourite all of kinds of ballroom dance I learnt in that class. Later came lindy or swing as many had known it through Elvis Presley's move and style. This dance was very much influenced by the emerging swing band or the big bands of jazz in between 50s and 60s. As far as I could recall, I only had trouble to 'cuddle' part where we needed to pull the partner to us and swing her to the side - cuddle motion. I flunked that part. Period.

Next to lindy was cha-cha. Well, this dance originally came from South America around 1950s where a lot of Havana refugees flocked to America in order to escape from Communist government down there. I wasn't that bad in this style though. After we learnt cha-cha, we were introduced to study salsa. I tell you, this dance is one hot smoking dance! You move your hips and body and gosh, you will look sexy beyond your wildest fantasy. There's even one step for salsa named as Ricky Martin's style. LOL. Although it sounds fun, I must tell you that the counting for salsa is somewhat confusing to me. I seriously put much labor in calculating the step as if I was solving a calculus problem in my head while busy dancing on the floor. Then we moved to polka, an European style of ballroom dancing where you see people dancing in circle, holding each other's hand in Heidi's movie. Okay, that's a bad example. The best example is the one which Leonardo Dicaprio and Kate Winslet danced on the table in Titanic movie. But we didn't learn such an advance step like theirs. Oh God, polka really forced me to do some cardivascular work out. That's it, no more polka for me. And the last dance we learnt in that class was tango. Oowhhh, tango is another sexy dance. You need to raise your leg like a stallion and lean your chess towards your partners. To some, it may stimulate their sexual desire but I dont think I got sexual arousal on me when I did that to my partner. We were very professional in the classroom.

Of course like other classes offered on campus, this course required midterms. I am proudly to say that I aced both midterms, the dance test as well as written test. My partner is Melissa Rosol. She majors in Architecture Engineering and she was fifth year student at the time she took the class. I would say that we shared mutual understanding when we became couple in dancing. My instructor wrote a comment in my midterm result stating that the way I danced with Melissa especially in foxtrot style was almost as close to 'real' dance. Maybe because I seriously enjoyed dancing that style and I danced it like no other saw us. My eyes were straightly hooked to hers and we firmly held each other and sailing through the dance floor gracefully. I guess we both deserved the credit for not screwing up the dance because dancing is collective effort, not an individual effort.



I didn't get much time to hone my dancing skill after I finished the class in Spring 2003 with A- grade. Perhaps because I was way too busy working in Fenske Lab for my Ch E stuffs or I was occupied dealing with moronic freshmen in the residence hall as Resident Assistant. At the end of Spring 2003, the Residence Hall Association organized a formal dinner in Days Inn Hotel and they opened a dance floor. Shahida, my date for that night, forcefully persuaded me to dance with her on the dance floor and that was my first dance in public and probably the last one.

And now, every once a while I will put on Frank Sinatra's music and start to dance by myself in my room, imagining a nice lady would dance along with me. Of course I will choose foxtrot style because it's purely romantic steps and it's easy to maneuver as compare to other kind of styles. Uhm, another thing - may I say the lady who will dance with me must be romantically involved with me? LOL. She should be, right ??!

Shall we dance?

Breakfast Thoughts

Yeah, again, as usual I walked to Pollock Commons to get my breakfasts. I don't usually do this, you know. Having a breakfast. Perhaps I am just fulfilling a request from a friend to eat properly. Anyway, while I was having breakfast by myself, my mind couldn't escape from one subject.

The subject is about my dad, or my papa, as I always call him.



Quite frankly, I don't know papa. I mean, I don't really know what he likes, what type of color does he like, or maybe, what kind of food does he enjoy eating. Heck, he never tells me how he actually met mummy and how they both ended up marrying to each other. Neither he tells us when is his birthday so we can celebrate his birthday and bring present for him. Unlike other friends' parents, they like to tell these stuffs to their children. The thought of rekindling the sweetest moments in their life and passing them on to their children. Papa doesn't do that. He doesn't do many things of which other daddies do, typically.

I saw once or twice of his wedding photos with him in light red baju melayu and red songket as 'samping', buried deep inside our old and termite-infested closet. I didn't see mummy in that photo. I didn't dare to ask him, when the wedding took place, how it was, who accompanied papa during the 'walimah'. All I know, papa brought us to one of the houses in a village behind the police barrack in Kuala Krai, to meet with his so called 'abang angkat'. At first I thought he must one of our relative. Apparently, he wasn't. I overheard his conversation with his 'brother', reminiscing the old time when he was a constable in Kuala Krai Police Station, talking about his wedding day and how his 'brother' was in charge in making the arrangement for that ceremony on his behalf since papa was an outsider.

Many of my friends claim papa is one cheerful old man. Hmm, for somehow, I doubt it. He is a man in between. He acts moderately. He laughs moderately. He talks moderately. But he has very good PR skill.

His smile brings emotion though. A good one. And that I know. When he smiles or laughs, he brings a pleasant feeling into the room. I can sense that. And somehow I can sense deep inside him is a reservoir of emotion - peaceful and deep. Only sometimes shaken by his children's action. God forbids if he gets angry, for all I know, he would never think twice to hit us. Along got once, same goes to Angah and Farah's too. But I never get one, even for a smack from him. No matter how worst I did.

For instance, I was called home last year because of the allegation claiming that I involved in opposition political activities while studying abroad. And, for having a fight with Angah early in the morning on the staircase 12 years ago. Angah got a slap from him but I didn't although I was the one who started the fight. Poor Angah! His face was swollen real bad after that and papa regretted his action after seeing what had happened to Angah's face. Hmm..I still have this guilt for letting Angah took the blow for me.

Papa likes kid very much. He adores all the little kids and I know, he misses the presence of little children in his house. All his children are grown ups right now. Well, not exactly all though. Farah is still in her 17s. In addition to that, none of us are married and therefore, fail to bring any grandchildren for him. Along is still working hard to improve his life so that he can buy Putrajaya mansion with his senior engineer's salary (Jaja, I really hope Along is not a gay..hahahaha). Angah is forking money for his wedding ceremony next year, tentatively. And me, still undecided and heartless in this subject matter. So, the only children who gets his pamper are the children who mummy babysits during the weekdays: Abang, Hakim and Aina.

Hmmm.. as I wrote in my previous entry, the more day goes by, the more my heart departs from State College and safely arrives in Taman Melur, Ampang. Hmm..and now I am looking forward to spending some quality time with papa, washing the car with him on Saturday morning or at least, help him cleaning up the living room or having supper with him at mamak's stall down in Taman Bukit Teratai.

Please people, pray for me as I am approaching my final exams in a few days. I want to graduate and go home, that's all I want. To be with my papa.

Asap Kenangan

Okay, semua sure pelik sebab apa kena mengena antara asap dengan kenangan? Ahhh..macam ni sebenarnya. Tadi aku baru balik dari breakfast di Pollock Commons. Sambil makan pancake tu, aku tenung-tenung juga la kat pancake tu. Mana tahu kalau cukup masa aku tenung pancake tu, nanti dia tukar jadi roti canai ke, tukar jadi sepinggan nasi lemak ke, paling cokia pun jadi nasi goreng yang mummy masak. Tapi sayang, pancake tetap pancake biar pun habis licin aku perabihkan sambil cicah dengan maple syrup.

Anyway, nak dijadikan cerita balik dari breakfast, aku berselisih dengan bas CATA. Satu-satunya servis bas penumpang yang ada di State College, ala-ala Intrakota gitu. Tapi lagi tepat dan efisyen jadual waktunya.

Sambil lalu belakang bas tu, aku terbau la asap dari bas tu. Ada sikit-sikit bau macam diesel, standard minyak guna dalam bas. Secara automatik, kepala otak aku register bau tu and terus teringat suasana dalam Stesen Bas Pudu dan Stesen Hentian Putra.

Aku suka Hentian Putra. Maybe sebab aku dulu masa kecik-kecik naik bas ekpress dari Hentian Putra ke Kuala Krai. Memang dulu masa kami kecik-kecik, papa suka hantar kami bertiga balik kampung di Kelantan dengan bas ekpress. Tak silap aku, dulu naik bas ekpress SKMK, Syarikat Kenderaan Melayu Kelantan. Tak pun naik Molek Ekpress. Entah-entah, Molek Ekspress dan SKMK tu dua menda yang sama. Wallahu'alam. Sekarang ni aku rasa dah tak ada dah kot Molek Ekpress tu. Yang ada Transnasional, Mutiara Ekpress and ntah apa-apa lagi ntah.

Papa selalu pesan kat driver bas ekpress tu suruh tengokkan kami 3 beradik ni. Maklumlah, semuanya masih lagi kecik-kecik, takat-takat sekolah rendah lagi. Iskk, terasa macam dikirim barang ikut pos saja. Tapi yang terasa bestnyer sebab dapat travel sendiri. Along selalu kena duduk sorang-sorang, aku dan angah selalu duduk bersama. Makanan pun selalu share dengan Angah. Yang tak best, Along yang selalu pegang bekalan makanan. So, dialah yang kontrol boleh makan ke tidak. Hampeh!

Suasana di Hentian Putra sangatlah meriah, bagi aku. Penuh dengan orang Kelantan. Bunyi orang bercakap loghat Kelantan ada di mana-mana. Meriah dengan hiruk pikuk bunyi bas keluar masuk dari stesen. Suara tukang jual tiket bas pun tak kurang kuatnya. Warung-warung tempat makan ada di tingkat dua di belakang stesen. Aku tak pernah makanlah kat situ masa kecik-kecik dulu. Cuma bila dah besar ni, pernahlah singgah sekali dua makan di situ. Taklah sesedap mana. Baik makan di kedai makan tingkat 3 di Medan MARA. Murah pun murah, sedap pun ya juga!



Suasana di Puduraya pun lebih kurang sama juga dengan Hentian Putra. Bezanya, Puduraya jauh lebih sibuk dari Hentian Putra sebab semua perkhidmatan bas ekpress untuk destinasi pantai barat ada di situ. Waktu dulu-dulu, kalau tak silap aku, bulatan Puduraya belum sebesar yang ada sekarang ni. Bas mini berpusu-pusu berhenti di bawah jejambat di tepi Puduraya, yang sekarang ni menempatkan tempat jalan kaki menghubungkan antara LRT Plaza Rakyat ke Puduraya. Aku dulu selalu ambil bas mini dari Bandar Tun Razak dan berhenti di situ setiap kali waktu 'keluar bandar' masa di Sekolah Alam Shah dulu. Cuma tak silap aku, bila aku form 2 baru diorang tutup jalan tu dan kemudian besarkan jalan Pudu.

Puduraya bukan saja sibuk dengan orang yang balik kampung tapi sibuk juga dengan peminta sedekah. Ramai peminta sedekah, lengkap dengan aksesori anak-anak diorang (aku pun rasa cam ragu-ragu ajer nak percaya kalau tu anak diorang), dan juga secawan kosong tekun menunggu sesiapa yang bakal mencampakkan barang seringgit dua ke dalam cawan diorang. Kadang-kadang kita rasa sedih juga, kadang-kadang rasa menyampah tengok orang-orang sebegitu. Tapi hal tu, mungkin aku boleh komen lain kali.

Puduraya juga sibuk dengan teksi hitam kuning dan kereta sewa. Dulu lah, sekarang teksi dah pakai baju baru, kaler merah putih. Kereta sewa pulak boleh dikira 'kereta mewah' sebab kebanyakannya guna kereta Mercedez Benz. Tapi keluaran 50an, 60an dan 70an la. Nak sopan sikit, kita sebut kereta 'vintage'. Hehehehe..

Aku pertama kali merasa kesibukan Puduraya seawal pagi masa Acap mintak aku temankan dia ambil awek di Puduraya. Masa tu orang tengah hangat bercinta, bangun jam 5 pagi untuk ambil awek di Puduraya baru sampai dari Kelantan pun sanggup. Aku jugaklah mata berkelip-kelip temankan dia dari Taman Tun Dr Ismail. Lama juga tunggu di situ. Di Puduraya tak ada papan tanda 'delay' ke, 'on-time' ke, macam di airport gitu. Nak tak nak, kena tunggu. Sambil tunggu di situ, terjumpa pulak Rush yang nak balik ke Ipoh. Tolong dia angkat beg-beg dia. Tak apa, member punya pasal, aktiviti nak buat taik mata dalam kereta kita lupakan.

Bila hari beransur-ansur pagi, aktiviti di Puduraya jadi makin rancak. Bas-bas makin banyak masuk. Asap pun makin banyak berkepul-kepul. Beribu-ribu manusia keluar masuk dari stesen Puduraya tu. Tapi batang hidung awek si Acap belum nampak lagi. Jadi aku kata, "Weh, aku masuk kereta kau dulu. Ngantuk tak ingat nih! Bak sini kunci kereta!". Bila aku membuta dalam kereta Acap, tahu-tahu dia ngan awek dia kejutkan aku. Kitorang pi breakfast makan roti canai kat restoran mamak di sebelah Metrojaya Sinar Kota. Sekarang ni, Metrojaya Sinar Kota tu dah kena tutup, ganti dengan Mydin Wholesale pulak. Ternyata mamak lebih pandai berniaga dari eksekutif jualan Metrojaya. Pekena roti canai telur pagi-pagi buta, memang ubat mujarab untuk celikkan biji mata aku pagi tu!

Hmm..makin lama ni, makin banyak hati aku dah sampai ke M'sia. Makin rindu pada suasana di Kuala Lumpur. Betullah orang kata, tempat jatuh lagi dikenang, inikan pulak tempat bergolek, tempat bertepuk tampar, tempat melepak dan bermacam-macam tempat lagik lah!

Te-ri-maa Kaa-sih, Cik-gu!



"Anak saya ni, kalau nakal-nakal, cikgu rotan saja!" - papa aku.

"Ini bukan perangai budak-budak Darjah Enam, tapi Dah Jahanam" - Cikgu Ghazali, Penyelia Petang Sekolah Kebangsaan Klang Gate.

"Biar menangis sekarang, jangan menangis kemudian.." - Cikgu Rahimah, guru kelas 6 Raya, Sek Keb. Taman Tasik.

"Orang yang tak ada rhythm ni, macam orang mati, awak tau?!" - Cikgu Suhaimi, jurulatih Wind Orchestra Sekolah Alam Shah.

"This is the time for you to exercise your English muscle" - Mr. Hakikat Singh, English lecturer at PPP, ITM.

"Use my name if you need any help in your academic affair" - Professor Duda, academic advisor at Chemical Engineering Dept., Penn State U.

Cikgu banyak mainkan peranan dalam hidup orang muda, mungkin seawal kita berusia 6 tahun bilamana kita menyertai tadika. Ramai antara kita dulu, jika ditanya cita-cita, majoritinya akan menjawap mahu menjadi cikgu. Cikgu juga terus memainkan pengaruhnya yang kuat terutama dalam masyarakat orang Melayu. Kalau kita lihat dulu, Kesatuan Melayu Muda yang dipimpin oleh Ahmad Boestamam, banyak dipelopori oleh guru-guru Melayu. Begitu juga dengan UMNO. Kesedaran yang dibawa oleh mereka menjalar terus kepada golongan akar umbi, iaitu rakyat.

Aku sendiri selalu mengagumi setiap cikgu yang pernah mengajar aku, samada di sekolah rendah, sekolah menengah dan ketika di universiti. Aku cuba untuk ingatkan semua nama mereka, asal mereka dan tarikh lahir mereka jika ada kesempatan untuk mengetahuinya. Antara ramai-ramai cikgu yang pernah mengajar aku, ada seorang cikgu yang kata-katanya sangat lekat di kepala aku biarpun sudah bertahun-tahun aku meninggalkan dia. Cikgu Rahimah, cikgu kelas 6 Raya, selalu berpesan pada kami supaya mencari kawan di kalangan orang yang cerdik pandai. "Tak apa kalau kamu jadi orang paling bodoh dalam kalangan orang pandai, sekurang-kurangnya kamu dapat belajar lebih lagi dari yang lebih pandai". Macam tu lah katanya lebih kurang.



Semasa aku belajar di Alam Shah dulu, cikgu-cikgu di sana tak putus-putus bagi pesanan-pesanan berguna. Okaylah, bila aku sebut cikgu-cikgu, ni tak termasuk warden. Warden ni bagi aku, macam brader jaga yang mabuk kuasa ajer. Lebih kuah dari sudu, orang melayu kata ler. Tapi cikgu-cikgu aku di Alam Shah, sayangnya diorang pada anak-anak murid macam sayangnya diorang pada anak-anak sendiri. Dijaga, diasuh, dibimbing sama macam anak-anaknya di rumah. Kalau depa marah, depa marah sungguh-sungguh. Tapi lepas tu baik semula. Sebab tu aku sayang semua cikgu aku kat Alam Shah (again, exclude all the wardens).

Kata orang sekarang, dulu-dulu kalau cikgu pukul anak kita sebab anak kita nakal, balik rumah nanti mak ayah tambah lagi pada anak tu. Tapi sekarang ni, anak kita kena rotan sebab nakal, bila balik rumah, mak ayah pergi serbu sekolah pulak nak rotan cikgu-cikgu. Tak cukup marahkan cikgu, pergi saman pulak Kementerian Pendidikan. Aku rasa, senario macam ni sudah cukup untuk jahanamkan lagi sahsiah budak-budak sekolah. Bagi lemak lagi pada anak-anak muda ni. Itu pasal la makin bertambah budak-budak nakal sekarang ni. Bukan nakal laa..nakal tu okay lagi bagi aku. Tapi budak-budak jahat. Jahat sahsiah, kerja asyik nak menibai orang, nak peras ugut duit orang, nak rompak dara orang, nak hisap dadah, dan banyak lagilah.

Benar, ada situasi-situasi di mana cikgu bertindak berlebihan. Itu kita kena tangani juga. Tapi untuk menghukum cikgu-cikgu semata-mata semacam kita melepaskan tanggungjawab untuk mendidik anak sendiri, sebaliknya kita serahkan anak-anak muda ni untuk dididik oleh cikgu. Sudahlah anak-anak ni dibentuk oleh cikgu, tapi bila ada yang tak kena pada anak-anak ni, kita nak marahkan cikgu pulak. Adil ke? Anak-anak tu anak siapa sebenarnya? Anak-anak kita ke? Ke anak-anak cikgu? Atau pun anak buluh betung ke?

Dalam hal yang cikgu bertindak berlebihan, kita kena kaji kenapa emosi dia kurang stabil masa tu. Kita kena faham, tekanan kerja dari profesion guru ni sebenarnya sangat tinggi. Bayangkan seorang cikgu mengajar 4 kelas . Satu kelas ada lebih kurang 40 pelajar. Jadi seorang guru sudah ada 160 orang pelajar. 160 orang pelajar = 160 berlainan mentaliti. Ada yang kurang ajar, ada yang taat dan patuh, ada yang tak ambil peduli, ada yang tak ada langsung dalam kelas. Satu hari mengajar 160 orang pelajar dan dalam masa yang sama cuba mengerjakan kerja-kerja pentadbiran sekolah. Kalau nak tahu apa itu kerja pentadbiran sekolah, pergi tanya cikgu-cikgu kat sekolah tu. Kutip yuran sekolah, kutip yuran SPM/PMR/UPSR, tanda kedatangan, tulis laporan pengajaran, tanda kertas jawapan, sediakan set soalan, cetak kertas soalan guna mesin gelek, tulis buku rekod pelajar, buat kertas kerja lawatan, jadi guru penasihat kelab pelajar. Haaa..banyak tak? Rasa-rasa kalau bagi kat engineer ke, doktor ke, penganggur ke, boleh buat tak? Mengamuk tak hati dan perasaan? Gaji tak ada la banyak mana pun. Kerja guru menghasilkan engineer, doctor, scientist, tapi gaji dia jauh lebih rendah dari diorang tu. Tension tak? Siapa cakap tak tension, meh sini aku terajang sikit bontot tu.



Jadi aku harap sesiapa yang masih lagi ingat pada cikgu-cikgu di sekolah dulu, jangan segan-segan gi balik ke sekolah lama dulu kalau ada kelapangan. Ucapkan terima kasih pada diorang. Aku dulu belajar di sekolah menengah 5 tahun, setiap tahun tu aku akan pergi lawat rumah cikgu kelas aku masa aku darjah 6 dulu. Aku fikir, kalau bukan sebab nasihat dia, aku takkan berjaya masuk sekolah asrama penuh. Sesekali terjumpa dia di depan Maybank waktu nak keluar duit ke, atau berselisih masa hantar mummy ke pasar ke, aku berhenti untuk salam dan cium tangan cikgu aku tu. Rasa hormat tak terhingga.

Orang kata, hutang emas boleh dibayar, hutang budi dibawa mati. Cikgu banyak berbudi kita pada kita, dapatkah kita membalas budi mereka semula? Tepuk dahi tanya diri sendiri, okay?

Bhopal, A Chemical Engineering Disaster



Last year I took two senior design courses Ch E 401 and Ch E 464, both focus on the designing of plant producing styrene. One of the main concerns in designing a plant is the safety. We went through many technical analysis in order to make sure everything is under control, or at least under our prediction of situation. But who knows, nothing can be so sure now.

For instance, in the night of December 3rd, 1984, a lethal gas of methyl isocyanate MIC leaked from Union Carbide plant in Bhopal, India, causing 3,000 instant deaths to people who lived surrounding the plant. In addition to that, Amnesty International's report shows that a number of death due to the incident comes close to 15,000. That is the worst industrial accident ever occured in the history of chemical industry.

Methyl Isocyanate which carries the notorious and dangerous cyanide molecules can cause many health problems such as eye pain (eventually lead to blindness/cataracts), vomitting and breathing problems, abdominal pain, decreased lung function, chemical burn on skins and finallly, the reproduction problems. Safety requirements required MIC to be kept cool at the room temperature and far away from the water to avoid spontaneous exothermic reaction which later produces gaseous MIC.

In class, we were taught to take a few things to consider before choosing a strategic location to build a plant. First, the population nearby. Secondly is the water resource like river or lake for steam production in heat management and cooling management. Things like these are made priorities partly because of environmental and human live factors. Furthermore, the plant management is responsible to alert the local authority if an accident occurs in the plant may endanger the surrouding area so that the public can take precaution step.

But this didn't happen in Bhopal. Union Carbide, the owner of the plant, didn't address the locals of what to do in facing such incident. A simple instruction of staying indoor and seal the windows and doors with damp clothes may save thousand of lives on that unfateful night. Many were confuse and strayed in the streets without warning either from the plant management or the local authority.

Another imperative step need to be taken seriously by the plant management is to make sure all personnel in the plant are aware about the danger of the chemical used and produced in the plant. They also are responsible to safely handle these chemicals. Unfortunately, in Bhopal incident, the workers did not know the safety procedure in handling the chemical. The pipe which carried MIC reacted in reactors was washed with water. The water managed to get inside the pipe through cracks and caused MIC to react exothermically (producing heat at 200 degree Celsius) and later produced gas. Through the same pipe, the water managed to find its way to the storage tank and reacted with the rest of MIC to produce clouds of lethal gas. This gas were migrated to the near city by the wind.

Standard safety apparatus such as cooling system, vent scrubber, flare tower and water curtain were failed to operate during the accident. Cooling system responsibles to cool down the storage, possibly by flushing the outer wall of storage tank and consequently brings down the temperature to the standard room temperature. Vent scrubber is supposedly to neutralize the gas escaped through the 30 meter vent. Flare tower is supposedly to connect to the storage tank just in case to burn the excess gas. These are the failures squarely put on the Union Carbide engineers.

Hardware can err but the worst err is lied upon human. This blunder can be stopped if the engineers paid a little extra attention to the operation of plant, particularly on the safety aspect of it. I hope one day when I become an engineer involves in commissioning a plant, I will make sure I take these issues into considerations and become sincere in doing my job.

Who knows, my job may save thousand of live in case of lethal accident!

Oghe kelate, Oghe ganu

Dua tiga hari lepas singgah kejap kat Pok Ku nyer blog. Ada terjumpa puisi Chairil Anwar yang sangat popular. Memang pernah dengar puisi ni sejak dari zaman sekolah menengah, cuma tak jumpa version yang lengkap. So, di sini aku post kan versi penuh. Dan jugak versi yang diterjemahkan dalam loghat Terengganu (dialihbahasa oleh Pok Ku) dan loghat Kelantan (dialihbahasa oleh Atok).

AKU - Chairil Anwar
Kalau sampai waktuku
'Ku mau tak seorang kan merayu
Tidak juga kau
Tak perlu sedu sedan itu
Aku ini binatang jalang
Dari kumpulannya terbuang
Biar peluru menembus kulitku
Aku tetap meradang menerjang
Luka dan bisa kubawa berlari
Berlari
Hingga hilang pedih peri
Dan aku akan lebih tidak perduli
Aku mau hidup seribu tahun lagi

Sajak Aku, versi Terengganu

AMBE
Bile kene glerang ambe weh
Ambo takmboh sorrang pong takweh
Mung pong jangan jugok
Dok payoh nnangih eso'-eso'
Ambe ning menatang bujang
Kene tohok keluo kupolang
Bedil lah ambe dung dang dung dang
Ambe terajang maroh mmanjang
Ambe hungga gi wala saket ketet ketet
Hungga
Sapa dok rase sikit tuit
Ambe kohor dok cakna sikkit
Ambe nok iduk tokkat langit.

Sajak Aku, versi Kelantan

KAWE
Kalu tibo gleghae kawe
Kawe toksae sesapo takwel
Demo pong jangae
Toksoh jjeghik lah
Kawe menatae gedebe
Puok toksae d'oghe
Bala keno bede aco
Kawe teghuh ngamok beghona
Nnelah biso kawe ungga
Ungga
Sapa tok segho
Kawe koho meto
Kawe nok idok pah k'bilo-bilo

Dose of Reality



In another 3 weeks, hopefully I will end my career as college student. Yes, I am thrilled and I am excited. But at the same time, I am feeling anxious. To be honest with you, this angst is killing me slowly. The pressure comes from all angles and it is more than I can bear.

People say, outside there is a totally different world. How different it can be? We breathe the same air, we drink the same water and we walk under the same sun. I am looking forward to experiencing this new world. Yet, the contradiction to indulge myself again in college world is thumping my heart. Oh well, I am not yet a college leaver, please bear that in mind (bang my head on the table).

Having said that, I wonder how much a piece of degree worths out there? Along told papa, it doesn't really matter here in Malaysia, for as long you have the degree, you will be okay to join the workforce. I guess that is right for engineering major though, how about those who are majoring in Computer Science or IT for that matter? Many of them are still unemployed from what I've know from my dear friend, Boss, in Pasir Mas.

People go through a lot of things before they earn their degree. And at the end, degree doesn't justify how good your life will be, but it somehow indicates how well you will probably be in the future if you really want to pursue your field of study. Do I want to pursue Chemical Engineering (Ch E) as my career? Or, maybe as Process engineer in any factory in Malaysia?



According to the statistic produced by American Institute of Chemical Engineers, a Ch E student who receives an average C grade in their Ch E courses gets USD 50,000 - USD 60,000 per year. That is about USD 4,000 - USD 5,000. What if you're getting more than an average C in the Ch E courses? You do the math, ok? Oh, by the way, the top student in Electrical Engineering major gets USD 4,000 annually. So, it's not that bad eh to be a Ch E major even if you're sure as hell know nothing about thermodynamic or organic chemistry.

Up till now, Ch E still holds the highest paid position among the engineering majors. Oh well, I guess it should be because everytime I mention my major to other people here, they will quickly raise their eyebrows and look pity at me, as in I am having HIV and die on the very next day. Yes, Ch E is hard. It is hard enough to make you to think twice before encouraging people to join your Ch E caravan. I'd rather to spend my years in college by joining Architecture Engineering for 5 damn years than be in Chemical Engineering. But hey, the mistake is done. The only thing I could do for now is to redeem and finish it with grace.

The thing is, I don't want to stay here. I don't want to pursue the American dream. I know Arnie succeeds and does very well in California as governor, but I am thinking, my star doesn't smile wide enough for me here though.

I have other ambitious lead to follow. I want to be all, everything that I can be (yeah, sure thing!). Bake and sell my own cake (I am trying to do this, eh Jaja?), doing charity work by giving free tuition at orphanage and join NGOs.

I am thinking of taking Political Science degree somewhere in local college in Malaysia. Part time of course. I want to follow my guts. I want to follow my conscience. I will explore any chances for me to do this at local college.

Hmmm..life is full of ambitions. Life is full of its colors and I hope I will not get drunk with its beautiful colors. Or maybe, suffocated to death.