Hati rasa rindu tapi aku rasa malu.
Ikut rasa memang nak kata, tapi takut orang mengata.
Tengok respond pun, macam tak berapa kena.
Silap haribulan aku pulak tidur tak lena.
Tapi nak buat lagu mana, aku memang rindu kat dia.
Jadi aku pun duduk diam-diam saja.

Yesterday I made dozens of phone calls to all hotels in Kuala Terengganu. Seriously I thought the quest to book a room is so easy and yet, it was proven dead wrong. Somehow this weekend Kuala Terengganu is hosting a tae kwon do tournament and all rooms possibly exist in KT are booked.

To add the salt to the wound, my best friend told me that KT is swamped with engineers and vendors for PETRONAS because one of the OPUs is taking its turn to be 'turn around'. It's like you re-boot the whole system again. And this requires everybody to camp there. Well, this ain't a good news for me either.

However, I managed to get hold to one hotel (I better call it a motel instead) which possibly would have vacancy for this weekend. The manager on duty told me that the room will be given to the guest based on walk-in. Bookings are prohibited. Hmmm... I rarely hear any hotel that can be occupied based on walk-in. This must be dodgy, that's what I thought.

The first thing came to my mind was that this motel is probably for people who want to do illegal stuffs. You know nowadays...that 'thing' comes easy. But this is my last resort.

This is the time when I reminisced my good time when I was travelling in the States. We just crashed at any friend's house or stayed overnight at the Islamic Center. Can I do that in KT? It's only gonna be one night in any surau or masjid. It's not like I haven't done that before.

Maybe I should bring along my tent I bought at Walmart, just in case if I can't find any hotel or mosque to crash.

Kan kan kan?

A Date with Shayna Zaid in Alexis Bistro



Still recovering from my sore throat. Nothing fancy about it except it is pain in my ass. Nonetheless, I'm grateful to the Lord because He doesn't forget about my existence here.

Anyway, last weekend I went to see Shayna Zaid's performance in Alexis Bistro, a jazz restaurant in Great Eastern Mall. I didn't recognize her face at first till one of the waiters pointed out to me that the first singer wasn't her, but actually her singer partner. Oh well, doesn't matter which one is Shayna Zaid though because I personally think the performance that night was awesome. We got some groovy that night. The only thing spoiled my night other than my non stopping coughs was the smokes from people around me.

Oh yeah, talking about drinking that night.Lots of people including the malays were drinking. I had one Malay lady who sat in front of me sipped a champagne and another Malay guy ordered Chivas and coke. Nice selection of drink I bet. I guess I was the only who ordered watermelon juice that night. Well, whatever, I don't want to impose my belief onto others as much as I don't like people to do the very same thing to me either.

Yep, I sat there alone and enjoyed the live music by myself. I looked people around me and they all look somebody and somebody. I saw our Dewan Rakyat Speaker, Tan Sri Ramli Ngah Talib and his family were having dinner there just next to the stage. I saw Amer Yusuf too. To my surprise, I coincidentally met with Oshkosh. Last time I met him was in an informal meeting in Bakti building. He was there shooting for Shayna Zaid's show.

I didn't stay long there. I left the place at about 20 minutes to midnite because I just couldn't take the smokes anymore. Almost got choked by the smokes. Plus, I'm running out of my watermelom juice. A glass of that juice cost me almost RM 14. I'd be wasting my money if I order another one. I wonder how much Chivas + coke would cost me...hmmmmm...

Seriously, this swollen throat is killing me. I can't sleep because I slept more than I usually do. The cough syrup doesn't do me any good. I took it twice just to make my eyes go sleepy and the trick just didn't work anymore with me.

I tried to take a day off from doing my work today. Just when I thought I could do that. Oh boy, I was wrong! By afternoon I already felt restless at home and decided to go to the office. This time I chose to drive instead of riding my kapchai. Last time when my brother was just recovering from his fever and he rode motorcycle to his class, he ended in ICU with 3 days in comma state. So I seriously do not want to follow his footsteps.

I'm still feeling a bit weak especially at all of my joints. I followed exactly like what the doctor had asked me to do - taking rest and drink plenty of plain water. Okay, I lied. Taking a rest is a bit cliche' nowadays especially for those sick people. And I took it lightly until this fever struck me. Urghhhh...

And yeah, I've been staring at my cellphone today. Waiting for a courtesy call, or a courtesy sms. Even until now, I'm still waiting.

Anak tekak aku bengkak.
Badan aku start dah nak rasa panas.
Kepala aku dah start rasa pening-pening.

Yes, aku memang dah dekat nak demam ni.

I was at the airport last night. I was rushing from KLCC and tried to get there on time. Somehow I felt very anxious for this impromptu meeting and felt a bit nervous. Well, let me rephrase my word. I felt very nervous about this impromptu meeting. In fact, I was sweating while I was in ERL on the way to KLIA.

I waited patiently for about 40 minutes before I saw her walking out from the arrival gate. At that moment, I felt like my heart was almost exploding due to the nervousness I had inside. My knees were numb that I almost staggered. I tried to hid the flowers I bought at KL Sentral.

I really wasn't thinking much when I bought the roses. Everything was done on impulse. I bought a small bouquet of roses, specifically asked for three red roses, from the same florist I acquired roses last year for her. At first the florist wanted to sell me one big bouquet of mixed flowers but I refused. I literally begged her to make a simple arrangement of three roses and I was willing to pay it at any price she put. Luckily I finally managed to get what I wanted in the first place.

So the roses were put together with the present. And I held them closely like I held my soul to myself.

I am glad that she likes my gift. In fact, I silently feels like fleeting in the air when she says she loves it. Phewww...

I couldn't exactly know how to describe the feeling when I finally saw her face to face. I felt hungry but the moment I had the meal in front of me, I didn't feel like eating it. It's enough with who I had in front of me. It's enough to know that she is okay with me. It's enough to see her smiling heartily.

I felt empty once I left her at the Sentral. Hollow. But at the same time, I felt grateful for meeting her again. Last night I went to bed at 4 am. Couldn't fall asleep because I was too excited because I met her. Because I miss her. And because I couldn't forget her reaction when she opened the gift.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to seeing her again soon. Don't mind to drive for 4 hours of round-trip journey just for a couple of minutes of meeting. It worth every mile I shall have on the car.

So today I decided to wear the t shirt she gave to me last night.

Rindu ini sudah lama berlabuh.
Aku masih rasa bahagia,
walau kau tidak sudi menyambungnya.
- A Samad Said, Sasterawan Negara.

Kata kawan aku, S, aku kena buat satu garis pembahagi di antara maksud sabar membuta tuli dan maksud praktikal. Katanya aku dah banyak bersabar dan berusaha untuk memenangi satu hati. Samada dia akan menghargainya, itu semua Tuhan punya kuasa. Dan samada kawan aku tu betul atau tidak, aku sendiri pun tak berapa tahu sebenarnya.

Aku cuma berusaha untuk capai apa yang aku nak dalam hidup. Selepas berusaha, aku bertawakal. Kalau aku dapat apa yang aku mahukan, aku bersyukur. Kalau tidak, aku yakin ada hikmah tiap di sebalik kejadian.

Mungkin aku akan sentiasa perhatikan apa yang akan berlaku seterusnya. If there isn't anything positive about it, I may have to call it a day.

And perhaps, I may have to join the program like my old friend W did. :D hey...it's nothing wrong to get new experience!!

I don't know what else I should write here. Somehow I'm having a writer's block. I remember my English literature lecturer once said to us about overcoming writer's block. Hmm..Mr Hakikat Singh, oh yes..this name certainly rings a bell in my mind about my good one year in PPP, ITM.

Anyway, last week I was at PAS-Keadilan political campaign speech. That was the first time ever I attended such program after I got back from the States. The first time I had such experience was in 1998 when Anwar was sacked from the cabinet. I was at his home, surveying, looking and tasting how was it like to be in a 'Reformasi' movement.

You see, Anwar has always been a political icon to me. I view him as a charismatic leader and a responsible one too. I'm sure he has a lot of shortcomings but he is the best candidate so far. Seriously I believe nobody in UMNO Supreme Council can match his charisma. His oratory skill is certainly superb and I don't think Pak Lah can even be in his league.

So, coming back to the story which I was at the political speech of PAS-Keadilan in Taman Melewar, hell..I really don't know what moved me to be there although it was quite late that night. After Anwar delivered his speech and some comments about PKR's loss in the recent by-election in Ijok, I managed to have a chat with PKR's Ijok by-election candidate, Tan Sri Khalid and Azmin Ali, the PKR vice president. Azmin has known me since last year when I sat next to him in the civil court at Wisma Denmark. Ever since then, we sometimes communicate through sms.

I believe in Alternative Front's cause. I do believe people should stop supporting corrupt government. I do believe government must be told that they serve the people, not the other way around. I strongly support for a conscious and just government. Everyone deserves to be treated equal, regardless of their skin color and religion preference. I strongly admire those who fought for the country's dignity in preserving democracy..but not at the expense of establishing another corrupted government.

The recent by-election was an exhibition of gargantuan scale of corruption, practiced in a broad daylight by our so called leaders. The abuse of power by the leader is clearly seen throughout the campaign period. The oppression made by the government through government instruments like police and FRU upon the opposition parties was utterly disgusted. Not to mention the thug-like attitude demonstrated by Pemuda UMNO. I feel pity for those who claim they fight for the Malays when actually, they only fight for their own rice pot. I definitely won't buy such cheap talk.

So, what should I do? Frankly, I think it's high time for young people to question again their belief, to evaluate their political standing and to visualize what will happen to us in the next 5, or 10 or 15 years if these irresponsible actions go unchecked.

Each of us is an agent of change. Without a collective consciousness, there will not be a strong nation. Without a collective effort, there will not be any clean government. And without a collective humility, we all just be slaves to the elite ruling party's leaders. "It's sad, but true" (borrowed from Metallica).

Mata sebenarnya sudah mengantuk tapi hati terasa berdebar-debar. Terasa nak saja mengutuk diri sendiri bila terlanjur mulut bercakap sayang hari ni. Memanglah hati sayang, tapi kenapalah mulut aku ringan saja nak cakap sayang pada dia. Bukan saja setakat rasa sayang, tapi rasa macam-macam lagilah.

Tapi lepas tercakap tu, hati sebenarnya rasa seronok. Tak apalah, bukannya selalu sebut. Tuhan saja yang tahu betapa seksanya hati menahan diri dari nak luahkan perasaan sayang, biarpun hanya dengan perkataan. Aku selalu ingatkan diri, actions speak louder than words. Tak perlu dikatakan sayang, yang selalu terzahir ialah perbuatan.

Petang tadi waktu aku terlelap di sofa, termimpi-mimpi aku pada dia. Ini kali kedua aku berjumpa dengan dia dalam mimpi. Kali ni aku mimpi aku berjalan dengan dia sambil berpegangan tangan. Kami berdua seronok berborak sambil berjalan, ketawa bersama-sama. Mungkinkah akan terjadi di satu hari nanti? Harap-harap begitulah. Wallahu'alam.

Kawan aku kata aku mimpi macam tu sebab aku tak dapat buat macam tu in real life. Maksudnya, itu semua angan-angan aku. Hurmmm......