Final Posting Before I Close My Eyes

This entry is derived from Judd's latest entry. It's about attention. Although he narrowed the topic on getting attention from family members ie. parents, but I'd like to expand it a bit more.

Attention is given to where it's due. However, what if the attention is not given where it is supposed to be given? Meaning that a child is not getting the right amount of attention from his family, a brother/sister doesn't get an attention from his/her siblings, a spouse is not getting any hint of attention from his half life and many more. What should one do about it?

My personal experience dealing with such situation is usually putting me in the losing end. Albeit in some circumstances, I do succeed in securing a moderate amount of attention, I still wish for more. More is good. Excess is even better. Feeling being in someone's eyes is definitely a rewarding sentiment.

Years ago when I was a small child, somewhat between 8 and 12 year old, I was always envy my eldest brother. It seemed to me at that time, he was getting all the attention he could get from my parents. Well, this didn't surprise me at all because he's the genius in the family. Ever since then I developed such a habit to compete with him in any way I can except of getting slimmer...hehehee..it's another story altogether. I was depressed. There were times when I thought I should leave the house and never came home. But I didn't do that. Thank God!

I moved out from my family's home when I was 13 and up until now. I only come home occasionally. I realized many things had changed. Most of them are good especially in term of parents-children relationship. I am beginning to feel that my parents do pour their attention on me unlike to what I felt years ago. Mummy begins to tell me about everything is going on in the family. Papa starts to talk more to me. Maybe because I am the only one who still has time to listen to their talkings - Along is working and he's one workaholic guy, plus he doesn't live with the family anymore & Angah is busy working out station and going out with his fiancee on a weekend basis. So who else for them to talk to if not me?

Then talk about my relationship with mama. This is one complex relationship. I treat her just like I treat my mummy but with an extra pinch of attention. I shake hands and kiss her hands everytime I come to visit her at home or even at school. I say "I love you, mama" or "I miss you, mama" in each email I sent her. Unfortunately, I doubt if she feels the same way too towards me. As I said in my previous entry about her, I doubt to say if I am included in her big picture. Nevertheless, it never stop me from saying those sweet words to her. Every word from her is sacred to me, just like words from my parents.

And yeah, the only place where I can get 110% of attention is from Kak Anim. She is my darling sister. A special person whom I refer to everytime I have major heartbreak. A very kind sister she is, never fail to sooth my heart every time I hear her voice over the telephone. Oh yes, everytime I talk to her, I've never failed to tell her how much I miss her and love her. And she will reply the same too to me, "Akak pun rindu Ayed juga...sayang juga adik akak ni!".

How about attention from friends? For this, I don't have the gut to say yes because it varies from one person to another. Do I give enough attention to them? To some extent, yes. But on a few cases, I fail to deliver. Somehow I feel there are some friends who only serve as functional friends - friends with some function which needs to be fulfilled. Of course they are also friends whom you can rely to on every occasion but they are very rare to find. And somehow, such relationship can also fade over time due to some unwarranted circumstances.

We usually stick to people who give their attention to us because we feel loved. Because we feel special around them. And perhaps because we also feel like we are wanted by them. Nobody wants to feel useless around people. Nobody wants to feel unloved by anyone. Even a modicum of attention can shed some light on sour puss face, what more if an excess of attention is given to one? It will spoil him. It's like putting too much of salt in a cooking - it turn the best meal into salty pickles.

But how do we know we get enough attention from everyone? For that, I don't have the answer. I'd say, you try your best to give attention where it's due and in return, people will do the same to you. If they don't, it's not your loss. It is theirs.