SEX PLEASE, WE'RE MALAYSIANS
by TV Smith
08/06/03

Was it Confucius who once said "Man with hard problem will find solution in hand"? Local men with stiff problem will find solution in foreign hands, nowadays. At the many 'Mini UN' offices in Kuala Lumpur, female representatives from ASEAN, Central Asian, East European & South American countries work tirelessly to alleviate the problems faced by men whose wives are chronic migraine sufferers. Creatively branded as health centers or spas, the ISPs (International Sex Providers) are respectable tenants of five-star hotels, fancy service apartments and futuristic office towers. Its marketing and distribution network runs far and wide. Stroll down Jalan Bukit Bintang and you'll likely be accosted by sales agents touting a delivery service that's faster than any pizza maker in town. At the popular entertainment strip along Jalan P Ramlee, almost every meter-hating cab driver queued up at the 100-meter long taxi stand is a 'down-liner' for some health centers.


Above : Cops read blogs? Night of June 11th; police patrol car appeared every 15 minutes to foil repeated attempts to set two new world records.


Above : World's biggest assembly of meter-hating cab drivers and world's longest taxi stand.

Of course, there's no sinful supply without devilish demand. We're after all a nation of happy humpers with enough sexual energy to rival six billion rabbits. We're talking quantity here, not quality. Some men, reportedly, find these places attractive because they can skip the hassle of foreplay, which is usually ten minutes of begging anyway. In the West, couples with bedroom problems are encouraged to seek joint counseling. In Malaysia, our men adopt a slightly different but unilateral approach. They go to GRO lounges, sit silently with one hand on a breast (and the other on a thigh) and listen to the GRO's endless ranting for about RM 30 an hour (minus tips and drinks). The curious twist is that the the customer pays the GRO to listen to her problems.

One local hooker-hunting politician suggested that foreign women flocked to work at our chicken shops because Malaysian men make good customers. They usually last five minutes or less, he claimed. So we're a nation of unabashed premature-ejaculators then? Perhaps that explains the proliferation of performance enhancing products. Take a look around you; there's endless ads and flyers promoting aphrodisiacs ranging from Ginseng Teh Tarik to Tongkat Ali Instant Noodle. For the women, a thousand Jamu products compete to tighten their pelvic muscles and help them keep a firmer grip on their partners.

With its 70 Million Population Policy going haywire, the government now wants its citizens to bonk at home, not at someone else's. There's no point having a five million increase each year, when another ten million die of venereal diseases, sexual exhaustion or murder by jealous spouses. With all the earlier emphasis on reckless reproduction, many 'counter-productive' subjects remain taboo on mainstream television. Sanitary napkins and condoms commercials are still banned. God forbid, if someone should ever promote a tampon on prime time television, she'll likely be detained under the ISA. Our kids are not supposed to know anything about menstruation or safe sex. Many continue to rely on hieroglyphic inscriptions on public toilet doors for the most basic of sex education.


Above: Computer-enhanced image of artifact excavated from site where a secondary school once stood. Circa 1980. Believed to be inscriptions on the inside of a school toilet door. It was commonly used as a medium for sex education and is still widely adopted by present day Malaysian society.

With the current explosion of incest, child rape and abandoned babies, one would think that our local research institutes are racing against the clock to develop some kind of libido suppressant. No. Instead, our universties are embarking on a government funded study of a local herb, Kacip Fatimah. It purportedly increases a woman's sexual drive and shrinks her uterus faster after child-birth, thus enabling her husband to re-fertilise her within one week of leaving the maternity ward. Never mind that there are more pressing problems like persistent poverty, increasing scarcity of natural resources and life threatening diseases.

Ever since since the disbanding of the NationalFamily Planning Board, Malaysian men have literally risen to the challenge to copulate the country out of its Third Word country status. No wonder rabbit meat never took off in Malaysia. It's considered a sacred animal.

Majulah Seks Untuk Negara.
courtesy of ©2003 TV SMITH
Link to this article: http://www.mycen.com.my/duasen/080603_sexplease.html

My comment:
The first time I read this article, I laughed my ass off like hell! This article really cracked me to the max. But when I sat down and gave a thought about it, yeah, most of the things he mentioned in this sarcastic-tone article are indeed true.

For instance, I once had a conversation with my buddies who are working in major telecommunication company in M'sia about the discussion in the office, how it looks like and what are the things people in cubicle mainly talk about. To my surprise, most of them said, usually the majority of old folks, I mean pakcik pakcik and abang-abang at the office talk about the location to get the sex service in KL. Just ask them and the answer will come to you in a split of second. Gheezzz..I am not aware that KL is beginning to turn into sex paradise for some people.

Well..if you look around you whenever you have a chance to stroll along Jalan Tunku Abd Rahman, or maybe around Midvalley Megamall or the best place is KLCC, you would see teenagers with bare stomach and bare chess tight t-shirt walking around with the pierced ornaments dangling from their ears. Not to mention the compulsive behavior of some Malaysian men who love to woo at pretty women on the streets. Sometimes this scarries me. It scarries me because one day I will have a family and my family will have to live in this society.

Everyday we hear a lot of rape cases. And if the rape cases happens in the East Coast, a nation-wide coverage media will be poured unto this case and it will immediately turn into the headlines of mainstream media. I am not quite sure what's the purpose of it; it's either to celebrate the case or to remind people not to do it publicly again.

I recall an incident experienced by my ex-senior in high school when he was expelled from the school and later he joined SM Taman Maluri to continue his study. It came as a surprise to him when he was offered a sex service for the price of 5 bucks for 'ringan-ringan' only by the female students in his school (see..all-boys high school cannot offer you this if you're a guy). The place for having that 'ringan-ringan' would be in the female toilet. Then Angah, my second brother told me that in his high school, the favourite spot to have 'project' would be near the banana trees behind the school block. Another story came in forwarded email when photos of a Malay couple humping each other under the staircase in Kerinchi area distributed through mailing list (my parents saw these photos and my mom complaint that the guy in the picture looks like Indon and not handsome at all). Oh yeah, to make things look worse, a set of photos of Malay couple having a daylight sex near KLCC park were distributed through mailing list (I should bring my digital camera everytime I am lepaking at KLCC laaa). Damn!!! Is the force of sex so ubiquitous these days as we don't have any humility left in ourselves?

Seriously, I personally don't care at all if people want to have all sex that they could possibly have. By all mean got get it! Hey..that's your own call, not mine. But be mindful to the public, especially to yourself. There is old saying says, "pandai makan pandai simpan" or "sendiri buat sendiri tanggung" - I am pretty sure people dont pay much attention to these sayings anymore. More and more abandoned babies are left for the government to take care of, more and more primary and high school girls got raped and left school fear for public embarrasment, more and more young people are exposed to HIV, STD and what not.

Ahhh...I dunno la people...Don't know what to do. The Beatles suggested long time ago, "All You Need is Love" to remedy such things..but I dont know if people mistaken it with lust.